What a lovely and wonderful reflection! Thank you for your vulnerability, compassion, and honesty. Do you think, after listening to those conversations all week, it makes it easier or more difficult to have your own friendships? In some ways, I could imagine how the depth and intimate conversations might make it seem like it's hard to find that same depth within friendships. Maybe there's a grain of truth and wonder, too, in what I ask. XO
That's a great question Danielle, and yes, that can be true at times. I have a low tolerance for 'small talk' and sometimes find it hard to accept that not everyone wants to relate on those more intimate levels! Having said that, a lot of my friends are from the therapy world too, so there is a shared language and way of thinking about the world to an extent. As I've grown older I spend a lot less time in social situations, but the ones I prioritise are the ones that nurture my desire for deeper connection. And some days I'm 'talked out' by the end of a day with clients and seeking solitude instead...
Thanks for your thoughtful question and reflections 😊
Mmmm...that's kind of what I suspected. Thanks for the honest answer. I seem to be the person a lot of colleagues seek out. I am totally not complaining about that, at all. I have noticed, though, that though things do sometimes get very intimate in what they share, that doesn't necessarily translate to a deeper connection. I could stand a few more deep connections with lovely friends, but, yes, I also get days where I am all talked out at the end and seek more than my share of solitude. It's just what I'm so used to. And so, when those colleagues want my time to extend outside of work hours, I am finding myself saying no more now because I know it doesn't translate to anything more than a night out (or an early morning) which doesn't appeal to me. XO
It's hard to find balance, and important that friendships/work relationships offer reciprocity. If the giving runs mainly in one direction, we tend to get burnt out. The therapy relationship is more clear-cut and simple in many ways - clear boundaries around the time available and what the exchange is. Friendships can be much more tricky territory.... Good luck with navigating it Danielle and thanks for sharing your experiences
What a beautiful piece, Vicki. As a CBT Alcohol, Anxiety and Depression Counsellor, I believe in client-centered therapy (Carl Rogers), where the counsellor works on an equal-level with the client, to solve their problem together, rather than in a Doctor-patient relationship, and research has shown that the value of the therapeutic relationship alone has proven to be significant in terms of outcomes.
"In my early professional years I was asking the question: How can I treat, or cure, or change this person? Now I would phrase the question in this way: How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth? What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly." Carl Rogers, 'On Becoming a Person'
I guess Substack does use algorithms for Notes etc, but what I am appreciating is they don't do this with your publication. All posts go to all readers, regardless of your metrics or frequency of posting etc. - this stands them apart from other forms of social media in my book 😃 ...but, yes, perhaps my wording is unclear.
Wow, Vicki - what a beautiful, clear explanation and peek into your work and practice. Even just reading it, I have no doubt that you’re creating and offering a deeply skillful, healing space.
One thing that really struck me is the nuance, clarity, and depth of what you describe compared to the overdone, ubiquitous "therapy jargon" online these days (which, frankly, turns me off from therapy rather than draw me in). Your perspective is far, far more resonant and inviting!
Thank you so much Dana. That is what I am aiming for, but of course, it's always hard to know how your own writing will come across to others. I'm deeply grateful for your feedback and value your reflections and support 🙏
Wonderful descriptions of how the therapist’s mind functions in a session. As a fellow psychologist, I’ve come to appreciate just how much mental energy and multitasking is involved within each session. No wonder I feel so exhausted at the end of the work day!
What a great article! I think this will be very helpful for those contemplating going to a therapist. I appreciate that points about noticing what's going on in the room and in your own body. I would be curious how many therapists are truly tuned into their body. Hopefully most of them.
Yes, I think that probably does vary, depending on the therapist, how they work and their own levels of self-awareness. For me, this is where the juiciness is in the therapy room. I work a lot with somatic therapies and the body is one of the greatest resources available in the room. Thanks for your comments Donna 😊
I often (always?) pick the wrong therapist. I've heard that in dating, you are attracted to people whose negative traits mirror your own. And that you are most attracted to people who would seem to be able to fill the gaps of love that your most dominant parent withheld from you. Meaning they probably have many of the same characteristics of that same harmful parent. If choosing a therapist is like amplified dating, it's no wonder I've had a lot of trouble finding one who isn't either going to make my symptoms worse or abandon me (or both). To make things more complicated, one of my parents posed as a counselor to children while quietly abusing his own family. I'm quite discouraged and have mostly given up hope that I'll be able to find any help. The therapists I've gone to so far were either frauds, abusive, or abandoned me.
I'm so sorry to hear you haven't had good experiences. Certainly the fit between therapist and client is very important. Unlike the dating arena, however, most therapists have done some work on themselves and are working under close supervision, so in theory at least, should be less likely to reenact those old patterns. I would definitely recommend checking out the training and qualifications of anyone you see, and trying to have an initial phone chat to get a sense of whether it feels like a 'fit'.
What a lovely and wonderful reflection! Thank you for your vulnerability, compassion, and honesty. Do you think, after listening to those conversations all week, it makes it easier or more difficult to have your own friendships? In some ways, I could imagine how the depth and intimate conversations might make it seem like it's hard to find that same depth within friendships. Maybe there's a grain of truth and wonder, too, in what I ask. XO
That's a great question Danielle, and yes, that can be true at times. I have a low tolerance for 'small talk' and sometimes find it hard to accept that not everyone wants to relate on those more intimate levels! Having said that, a lot of my friends are from the therapy world too, so there is a shared language and way of thinking about the world to an extent. As I've grown older I spend a lot less time in social situations, but the ones I prioritise are the ones that nurture my desire for deeper connection. And some days I'm 'talked out' by the end of a day with clients and seeking solitude instead...
Thanks for your thoughtful question and reflections 😊
Mmmm...that's kind of what I suspected. Thanks for the honest answer. I seem to be the person a lot of colleagues seek out. I am totally not complaining about that, at all. I have noticed, though, that though things do sometimes get very intimate in what they share, that doesn't necessarily translate to a deeper connection. I could stand a few more deep connections with lovely friends, but, yes, I also get days where I am all talked out at the end and seek more than my share of solitude. It's just what I'm so used to. And so, when those colleagues want my time to extend outside of work hours, I am finding myself saying no more now because I know it doesn't translate to anything more than a night out (or an early morning) which doesn't appeal to me. XO
It's hard to find balance, and important that friendships/work relationships offer reciprocity. If the giving runs mainly in one direction, we tend to get burnt out. The therapy relationship is more clear-cut and simple in many ways - clear boundaries around the time available and what the exchange is. Friendships can be much more tricky territory.... Good luck with navigating it Danielle and thanks for sharing your experiences
Don’t know if you’ve seen my piece on what “good” therapy looks like: https://open.substack.com/pub/johnmoyermedlpcncc/p/what-does-good-therapy-look-like?r=3p5dh&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
No I haven't. Look forward to reading. Thanks for sharing it 😃
A wonderful read, learning alot about what happens inside the therapy room.
Thanks so much, that's great to hear 😃
What a beautiful piece, Vicki. As a CBT Alcohol, Anxiety and Depression Counsellor, I believe in client-centered therapy (Carl Rogers), where the counsellor works on an equal-level with the client, to solve their problem together, rather than in a Doctor-patient relationship, and research has shown that the value of the therapeutic relationship alone has proven to be significant in terms of outcomes.
"In my early professional years I was asking the question: How can I treat, or cure, or change this person? Now I would phrase the question in this way: How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth? What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly." Carl Rogers, 'On Becoming a Person'
Thank you for sharing, Vicki.
Beautifully put Mark. Yes, I agree, the relationship is key 😊
Wow! I’m a therapist and I feel like you have put into words something that is so layered and complex. Thank you
Oh thank you so much Melissa 😊
Great essay Doc. I appreciate your insight. My wife is a therapist for the last 40 years and I’ll share with her as well.
Small correction in your final paragraph—Substack is definitely using an algorithm—since the beginning and always. 🙏
Thanks Dee for commenting and sharing.
I guess Substack does use algorithms for Notes etc, but what I am appreciating is they don't do this with your publication. All posts go to all readers, regardless of your metrics or frequency of posting etc. - this stands them apart from other forms of social media in my book 😃 ...but, yes, perhaps my wording is unclear.
Agreed!
Wow, Vicki - what a beautiful, clear explanation and peek into your work and practice. Even just reading it, I have no doubt that you’re creating and offering a deeply skillful, healing space.
One thing that really struck me is the nuance, clarity, and depth of what you describe compared to the overdone, ubiquitous "therapy jargon" online these days (which, frankly, turns me off from therapy rather than draw me in). Your perspective is far, far more resonant and inviting!
Thank you so much Dana. That is what I am aiming for, but of course, it's always hard to know how your own writing will come across to others. I'm deeply grateful for your feedback and value your reflections and support 🙏
Wonderful descriptions of how the therapist’s mind functions in a session. As a fellow psychologist, I’ve come to appreciate just how much mental energy and multitasking is involved within each session. No wonder I feel so exhausted at the end of the work day!
...And all of that while trying to land the plane within the one hour time frame 😃
What a great article! I think this will be very helpful for those contemplating going to a therapist. I appreciate that points about noticing what's going on in the room and in your own body. I would be curious how many therapists are truly tuned into their body. Hopefully most of them.
Thanks Vicki.
Yes, I think that probably does vary, depending on the therapist, how they work and their own levels of self-awareness. For me, this is where the juiciness is in the therapy room. I work a lot with somatic therapies and the body is one of the greatest resources available in the room. Thanks for your comments Donna 😊
You sound like a wonderful therapist!
Thanks so much Jennifer, that is lovely to hear 😀
I often (always?) pick the wrong therapist. I've heard that in dating, you are attracted to people whose negative traits mirror your own. And that you are most attracted to people who would seem to be able to fill the gaps of love that your most dominant parent withheld from you. Meaning they probably have many of the same characteristics of that same harmful parent. If choosing a therapist is like amplified dating, it's no wonder I've had a lot of trouble finding one who isn't either going to make my symptoms worse or abandon me (or both). To make things more complicated, one of my parents posed as a counselor to children while quietly abusing his own family. I'm quite discouraged and have mostly given up hope that I'll be able to find any help. The therapists I've gone to so far were either frauds, abusive, or abandoned me.
I'm so sorry to hear you haven't had good experiences. Certainly the fit between therapist and client is very important. Unlike the dating arena, however, most therapists have done some work on themselves and are working under close supervision, so in theory at least, should be less likely to reenact those old patterns. I would definitely recommend checking out the training and qualifications of anyone you see, and trying to have an initial phone chat to get a sense of whether it feels like a 'fit'.
Wishing you all the best with your journey.