Choosing juiciness
Setting my compass for the second half of life
As I meander through the minefield of midlife and my early 50s, I spend a lot of time looking around at folks a few steps ahead of me on the road. Aging can be a daunting prospect. While it’s better than the alternative, it gets a pretty bad rap, and I’m seeking reassurance that it’s not all bleak up ahead.
I find myself loosely assigning the role models I see for later life into two camps. There are those who seem alive, playful, mischievous, and adventurous. And then, there are those who seem more closed down, rigid, stagnant, and withdrawn.
It seems like there is an invisible crossroads we meet, somewhere around midlife, where we choose one of these two pathways. I’m not suggesting it’s impossible to have elements of both, or to turn this around, but once we’re headed down a particular path, it seems to breed more of the same.
Clearly, no one actively sets their GPS to the destination of Stagnation. But we might make a few comfort stops at the towns of Safety, Familiarity, and Routine. We might take a detour to avoid venturing into the territory of Risk, and before we know it, we’re heading down the highway to Stagnation Central.
It can be easy to imagine there is no alternative route. As our bodies grow increasingly tired from our unsustainably demanding lifestyles and start to ache and creak and complain, the story shows up – I’m getting old, it’s downhill from here.
In Erik Erikson’s landmark eight-stage theory of human development, the central challenge of midlife (which he defined loosely as the years from 40-65) has been characterised as the conflict between Generativity versus Stagnation. Generativity refers to creativity and contribution, a sense of focusing on our offering to the world, perhaps sowing the seeds of a legacy of sorts. Stagnation implies a state of inertia, lack of growth or expansion, a stuckness, and an absence of contribution to the world around us. Erikson proposed that we need to confront these polarities and grapple with this inner conflict to navigate our way through this life stage.
This resonates deeply, though I don’t think it is just about our contributions to the external world. For me, it comes from deep within. It starts with embodiment – how alive we feel within our own skins. How connected we are to emotion, sensation, and the movement of energy within our system. How deeply we can see, resonate, and connect with the world around us. How much juice is flowing through our system. It relates to how we move our bodies, how we inhabit the world, our capacity for playfulness, laughter, and intimacy.
It can seem that some people are naturally gifted in these areas – I don’t think I’m one of those people. I have a tendency towards the serious and can easily get lost in my head. Life has taught me, in numerous ways, to value safety. There’s a part of me that loves the comfort of home, routine, and familiarity. I’ve learned that these are the ingredients that settle my nervous system. But my nervous system can become so settled that it drifts into stuckness (what Stephen Porges terms the dorsal vagal response). Whilst we need a certain level of safety to thrive and function, I don’t think we came here on this human journey simply to play safe.
I prefer to believe we came here to inhabit juicy, creative lives. We came here to live, learn and grow. To struggle and suffer, make mistakes, and navigate the full messy human journey. We came here to expand our soul’s learning. We came here to feast on the banquet of human experience. To die satiated, having sampled our share of what the world has to offer. We came here to make a difference.
Playing safe can feel restrictive and stifling. It’s akin to rotting away on the sidelines of life, while watching others live big, vibrant lives. Playing safe is to die with unfulfilled longing in your heart.
Choosing juiciness means different things in different moments, depending on our health, our energy, our circumstances. It doesn’t always need to be big. It can simply mean staying open and curious. Juiciness could look like a big overseas adventure, or it could look like curling up with a really great book. It could look like dancing in the kitchen to shift stagnant energy, or sparking a conversation with a stranger on a train. And it could look like a deep conversation about grief with a really good friend.
There are a hundred little micro-choices we make during a day that can tilt the dial in one direction or another.
As I muse on the choices that tilt the dial for me, the most obvious theme I notice is the need to unplug from screen time and step into the three-dimensional world, the world of nature. As much as it’s an unavoidable aspect of modern life, a few hours of computer time tilts my dial a long way towards stagnation, disconnecting me from my innate aliveness and turning me into a disembodied head. Our bodies were built to be in movement and mine needs to walk, dance, swim, stretch, and feel, to nurture its innate vitality.
As I look ahead towards the next stage of life, I’m trying to become more conscious of these daily choice points and the parallel paths they can lead down. I want to keep orienting my compass in the direction of the juice, whatever the circumstances and challenges I find myself in. I want to age with a healthy dose of grace, curiosity, and radical aliveness.
Amidst all the culturally-conditioned messaging around aging and decline, I catch glimpses of inspiring women in their 70s and beyond, living daring, expansive, adventurous lives. Travelling, dancing, dating, writing, teaching, practicing yoga, standing on their heads (I’m looking at you
). These are not genetic freaks who’ve defied the laws of aging. These are simply people who kept turning towards life, oiling the cogs of curiosity and flexing the muscles of meaning and adventure. If you don’t use it, you lose it. Though I’d like to think perhaps it’s never too late to find your way back.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments. What helps tilt your dial in the direction of juiciness? And do you have some favourite older role models? Feel free to give a shout-out to some juicy elders here on Substack, I’m always looking for inspiration.
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Thanks so much, Vicki, for the shout-out – I am delighted to be seen as 'juicy' (my husband, with whom I have countless laughs, loved that one), not to mention 'alive, playful, mischievous, and adventurous'. Not that people would see any of that when they meet me, as I lead a more stable life than most (61 years married to same man, nearly 50 years in the same house etc etc) and I am not a flamboyant sort, but my mind and sense of fun are both still very alert.
I really never thought I was doing anything special. As someone wrote in a comment on my Substack on much the same issue, "I don't know how to be anything else." But clearly people find it surprising that at 82 I am standing on my head (which is literally true – just have a look on my site – but also figuratively true in that I have a sense of fun). So I have been thinking a lot on this issue from the other side. I do think that it is partly a matter of personality that stays much of the same over the years, partly a matter of circumstances (no serious health issues) and partly a matter – you said it, but I think it too – use it or lose it.
Whatever it is, just KEEP USING IT
I loved this reflection. It seems like you are working hard to generate new ways of thinking and living and being. You are a wonderful example of someone who is not letting the years of growing older slow you down or stop curiosity around new things. I too can get comfortable in a routine but I recognize how important it can be to switch it up and push myself a bit in order to stay juicy 🤣