Love this. I found no welcome in motherland (Iran) as I escaped socio-political tyranny to come to stepmother land (US) where I am also unwelcomed. So i found it in Mother Earth. And that changed my entire life orientation and sense of belonging and connection to nature and my nature.
I love this, my experience is very similar. I was an intentional, yet very ambivalent immigrant, moving from South Africa to Australia, with our 2 little boys nearly 18 years ago. We have moved so much over these past years, never staying in 1 place for more than a few years, always looking for a place that feels more like home. I am slowly coming to the realization that home has to be a place in my heart - that in straddling 2 worlds, always missing my people back home, and also appreciating the opportunities Australia has given us, I will forever feel split, torn in half. Wanting to go back yet at the same time appreciating and acknowledging that Australia is home to my now adult sons, for whom South Africa is just a collection of fond memories. Home is becoming a place I experience within myself, that I can create and nurture. 💙
Thanks for sharing your story here Gaby. It sounds like a similar journey to mine - searching for home in the external world, only to realise that ultimately we have to source it in the internal world ❤
It must be morning for you as I am heading off to bed. I too am an accidental immigrant, having been born in the US and married an Englishman back in 1963 and lived in London since 1968. I have never worried heavily about where is my 'home', since I felt at home in London very quickly and with my husband (now of 61 years), but I have often pondered what nationality I am. After all these years, I still have a pronoun problem - is it 'we' in Britain and 'them' in the US or the other way around? I am pretty fully British in my thinking and sense of belonging – and yet I am not English in so many ways and everyone who knows me knows it, too. I never felt very American when I was there and yet I feel it now, even though iI renounced my US passport (which is irrevocable, the Americans are a hard lot!) and took on English citizenship. In the end, home (as you say) is with my husband and in the house I have lived in for nearly 50 years and I am of no fixed nationality - just me. I could write more, but I need my beauty sleep.
Yes, I felt like I had so much to say on this topic, and had to really discipline myself to edit it down to a 5 minute piece! It's a huge subject and a fascinating one. I have dual citizenship now. In many ways I still feel British at heart.... until I go to the UK and realise how much I have changed and absorbed the kiwi ways 🙃 I'm neither and both, but feel very lucky to hold two passports. Thanks so much for sharing some of your experiences Ann 😊
So much swirling in my head, thank you for this thoughtful exploration.
My grandparents left their homes in Eastern Europe to escape the Holocaust. They found a new home in New York City.
I grew up just outside of Boston, but moving to New York for college and early adulthood felt like home to me. I was able to shed my controlling mother and live my life as me.
I feel at home in Vermont, where my family owns a house in the woods near a lake. I also feel at home in Central Massachusetts in the woods near a pond.
I feel at home in my body, and with my love. We don't live together yet, but he feels like home to me.
Home is such a complicated subject. The city felt like home in my 20s, but now I prefer a more rural existence. I think home is a feeling, more than a place, although a place or a person/people can elicit a feeling.
Thanks for sharing your thoughtful reflections Janine. It's a complex subject for so many of us I think. I wonder what it did to your grandparents to have to leave their home in such traumatic circumstances. I'm always fascinated by these stories....
I imagine it was enormously stressful. My grandfather was a psychiatrist and saw bad things on the horizon so started making work contacts in the US. I never met him, he died when my dad was 17, and my grandmother never spoke of it. They brought over their siblings and their spouses, but many family members died. I imagine there was some survivors guilt, though I can't know for sure.
So many complex and heartbreaking stories among that generation that never found air space. My parents were both post-WWII babies and I'm fascinated by how these experiences live on and can be passed down the family line, even while being unspoken. Thanks for sharing some of your story Janine.
Thank you for exploring these ideas so beautifully.
I'm curious about the differences you identify between the UK self and the NZ self, and how the two locations put you in touch with different aspects of yourself.
Do you think you'll find a physical place that will hold these parts together, or is it that UK holds a younger part of you that has grown into the NZ self, and going to UK home is almost like regressing, like we might when we return to families of origin eg at christmas and the child-self pops up?
Yes, in some ways it probably is a younger self that comes to life in the UK. It's not that those parts don't exist in NZ but more that they recede into the background. London life definitely suited my 20-something self, but I can't imagine it suiting my 50-something self. I think I woukd find it all too hard. I do love to visit though.
Thanks for your thoughtful comments Jo. I'll be curious to hear what the Cayman Islands wake up in you 😃
Wow. Reading this put tears in my eyes and warmth in my heart. I can relate to the feeling of having homes far from each other, each geographical place offering a different sense of belonging. It can be hard, but like you said, perhaps home is within.
I'm reading this at the perfect time, as I've been toying with the idea of whether or not I will stay in Thailand, go "home" to Canada, or somewhere new all together. It has me reflecting on what my inner world might need in the moment, and has me wondering if there's something I'm trying to run from again or if it's just time for a change of scenery.
I find this an interesting topic as I have more than one sibling who's moved from Wales to NZ. But I've always lived within the same 30 miles. Anytime I spend more than around 4 weeks from home (North West Wales) I feel like I'm changing, like I'm less myself. I think it's down to language. I speak Welsh every day with all of my closest friends and family, at work and in most social spaces. So when I don't I feel like I'm not my true self, I suppose I don't feel at home... To ever leave here would break my heart and probably my soul. So I wonder if moving to a country who might be different culturally but you sill speak their language is an easier transition?
Interesting Gwenno. Yes, I've no doubt it is easier in some ways when you speak the same language. My husband is a German immigrant to New Zealand and although he had some English when he arrived, he had a lot to learn. I shall ask him his thoughts on this subject 😊
I feel this so much ❤️ I'm originally from Belgium and now living in New Zealand as well. You explained so beautifully how it feels to have two homes. And even though I've been here for 9 years now, that feeling doesn't really go away. I'm very happy and settled in NZ, but still, there's always that in-between feeling just a little bit in the background.
I'm so glad to hear it resonated with you Sophie. I'm 18 years in NZ now and it still hasn't gone away, so I think it's probably always going to be there....
This is an interesting point to consider Vicki, thank you. Awhile ago I made up a theory that all folks are city, mountain, ocean, river or prairie people (my theory is based on no research!) and so, while I don't specifically have a place I am tethered, I identify as a river person. My family, consisting of my husband and I and our sons - sorry bad grammar) are at home in the mountains of the Kootenays in British Columbia, Canada. It has a distinct character, as well as exquisite beauty, and we all feel fortunate to live here.
Thanks for sharing that Donna. I'm not sure which I'd be.... I have parts that love the city, the ocean and the mountains in equal measure. I think I was drawn to Auckland because I get to have two of the three - city and ocean rolled into one 😊
I SO resonate with what you share! My dad was in the Army, so while I'm from Washington state and that was always "home", my first memories are from Western Germany. We followed that with Kansas and then Germany again, before my parents divorced and I lived with my mom in Washington with her parents, before she got remarried. After college I joined the air force, so again was on the move; before resettling in a new spot in Washington in 2013. This year, my wife and I moved for her job to Europe (we're stationed in Sicily, but mostly in Scotland). Whew! While I didn't start out meaning to write all that, I'm glad it came out, as it gets at why home for me is: A deep sense of belonging anywhere and everywhere inside of me, which comes from practicing yoga, meditation, and contemplation (which connect me to my True Self and Spirit) + Having a person I can share my longings, needs, hurts, joys, hopes, etc. with (my wife) + Having a circle of close friends I can do likewise with + Being in nature (which also connects me to True Self and the Divine) + Writing about life, my experiences, insights, discoveries, etc. here on Substack. Thank you for this! 🫶🏽
Thanks so much for sharing your story Lang. It's so interesting getting to know people's journeys.... an unexpected side-effect of writing this piece, that I am getting to connect a little more deeply with some of my readers 😊
I have been in NZ for most 12 years now. It is now HOME. Coincidentally it started feeling like home after we got a block of land to look after. Turangawaewae.
Love that Polina, and so great to connect with a kindred spirit. We are drowning in a sea of Autumn posts here on Substack.... yay for folks in the Southern Hemisphere 😀
I spend such a very great deal of time reflecting on this topic! My parents were post-war immigrants to Australia from the Netherlands. I lived in Australia for the first twenty years of my life then moved to the UK, and have since lived in a number of different countries. Being itinerant has made me uncomfortable with the idea of a "forever" home... The thought of returning to the UK or Australia makes me twitch! I love the challenge of starting again in new places and learning what "home" means to the people who live there. My kids are comfortable in any country they find themselves in. I guess the planet is our home. 😊💕
As an intentional migrant from Wales to Australia this post really speaks to me. After 32 years Australia is definitely home to me but there is certainly still a connection with the UK. Even after all of this time I find myself saying “back home”. My childhood memories of growing up, getting married and having our three wonderful are all from the UK so it will always have a place in my heart. I haven’t been “back home” for 20 years, since my father died so I wonder if I would feel a sense of be,ongoing now or if it would all feel very alien.
Yes, would be really interesting to see how it feels after all that time - I suspect perhaps a bit of both? My longest absence was during the COVID years when I didn't travel back to the UK for about 4 years, but with the majority of my family there and some longstanding friendships, it still very much has the feel of 'home'
Born in India. Canadian for 40 years. Went back after 32 years and emotions came pouring out to my surprise. My father’s birthplace. I would tease him when he was visiting every two years his ancestral land from canada, “dad, there is lot of dust. He would reply, “ I love even my country’s dirt”. The connection to your birthplace never disappears. There is always a connection missing. My father passed and I will miss him forever. I love you dad ❤️🇨🇦
Thanks for sharing your experiences Noor, and sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I agree, the connection to the land of our birth never disappears, those roots are powerful...
Beautifully written, and the sentiment speaks to me. Although my two "homes" aren't in different countries, they evoke different parts of me, as you stated. I've moved between Michigan and Southern California three times in my 60 years, and both places carry a deep sense of home. I've lived in SoCal now since 2016, and last week I spent a week at my family's lake cottage in Michigan where I grew up spending summers. Luckily, when I decided to move to California 8 years ago, my cousin bought the place from me so I can still go back. I'm not sure that's a good thing, though, because I sat there last week on the porch swing from my childhood and the sadness and tears welled up in me, a kind of grieving over having given up such a beautiful place with so many memories. But then when my time in Michgian ended and the plane was coming in to land in San Diego, and I saw the Coronado Bridge and the sparkling ocean and the boats in the harbor, my heart soared again with the feeling of being home. I really relate to what you said about being torn between two lovers... I feel it!
Thanks for sharing your story Mimi - yes the grief is real! Many times I've cried my eyes out on the plane after a visit back to my original home. And then, yes, like you, my heart soars when I reconnect with my other 'home'. It's a complex life...
Complex life indeed. My sister and I seem to be ending more conversations these days by just saying, "Life!" to sum it all up. Can't wait to dig into more of your writing now that I found you.
Your writing and insight spoke to me. "Home" has been on my mind for the past two weeks, asking many of the same questions you have asked here. There are so many aspects and levels of 'home' and you just did an outstanding job of clarifying, for me, all of them. I truly felt your words. Thank you so much!
Love this. I found no welcome in motherland (Iran) as I escaped socio-political tyranny to come to stepmother land (US) where I am also unwelcomed. So i found it in Mother Earth. And that changed my entire life orientation and sense of belonging and connection to nature and my nature.
That sounds hard Nessa, but I'm so glad you found that sense of connection and belonging. So important ❤
I love this, my experience is very similar. I was an intentional, yet very ambivalent immigrant, moving from South Africa to Australia, with our 2 little boys nearly 18 years ago. We have moved so much over these past years, never staying in 1 place for more than a few years, always looking for a place that feels more like home. I am slowly coming to the realization that home has to be a place in my heart - that in straddling 2 worlds, always missing my people back home, and also appreciating the opportunities Australia has given us, I will forever feel split, torn in half. Wanting to go back yet at the same time appreciating and acknowledging that Australia is home to my now adult sons, for whom South Africa is just a collection of fond memories. Home is becoming a place I experience within myself, that I can create and nurture. 💙
Thanks for sharing your story here Gaby. It sounds like a similar journey to mine - searching for home in the external world, only to realise that ultimately we have to source it in the internal world ❤
Good piece.
It must be morning for you as I am heading off to bed. I too am an accidental immigrant, having been born in the US and married an Englishman back in 1963 and lived in London since 1968. I have never worried heavily about where is my 'home', since I felt at home in London very quickly and with my husband (now of 61 years), but I have often pondered what nationality I am. After all these years, I still have a pronoun problem - is it 'we' in Britain and 'them' in the US or the other way around? I am pretty fully British in my thinking and sense of belonging – and yet I am not English in so many ways and everyone who knows me knows it, too. I never felt very American when I was there and yet I feel it now, even though iI renounced my US passport (which is irrevocable, the Americans are a hard lot!) and took on English citizenship. In the end, home (as you say) is with my husband and in the house I have lived in for nearly 50 years and I am of no fixed nationality - just me. I could write more, but I need my beauty sleep.
Yes, I felt like I had so much to say on this topic, and had to really discipline myself to edit it down to a 5 minute piece! It's a huge subject and a fascinating one. I have dual citizenship now. In many ways I still feel British at heart.... until I go to the UK and realise how much I have changed and absorbed the kiwi ways 🙃 I'm neither and both, but feel very lucky to hold two passports. Thanks so much for sharing some of your experiences Ann 😊
So much swirling in my head, thank you for this thoughtful exploration.
My grandparents left their homes in Eastern Europe to escape the Holocaust. They found a new home in New York City.
I grew up just outside of Boston, but moving to New York for college and early adulthood felt like home to me. I was able to shed my controlling mother and live my life as me.
I feel at home in Vermont, where my family owns a house in the woods near a lake. I also feel at home in Central Massachusetts in the woods near a pond.
I feel at home in my body, and with my love. We don't live together yet, but he feels like home to me.
Home is such a complicated subject. The city felt like home in my 20s, but now I prefer a more rural existence. I think home is a feeling, more than a place, although a place or a person/people can elicit a feeling.
Thanks for sharing your thoughtful reflections Janine. It's a complex subject for so many of us I think. I wonder what it did to your grandparents to have to leave their home in such traumatic circumstances. I'm always fascinated by these stories....
I imagine it was enormously stressful. My grandfather was a psychiatrist and saw bad things on the horizon so started making work contacts in the US. I never met him, he died when my dad was 17, and my grandmother never spoke of it. They brought over their siblings and their spouses, but many family members died. I imagine there was some survivors guilt, though I can't know for sure.
So many complex and heartbreaking stories among that generation that never found air space. My parents were both post-WWII babies and I'm fascinated by how these experiences live on and can be passed down the family line, even while being unspoken. Thanks for sharing some of your story Janine.
Thank you for exploring these ideas so beautifully.
I'm curious about the differences you identify between the UK self and the NZ self, and how the two locations put you in touch with different aspects of yourself.
Do you think you'll find a physical place that will hold these parts together, or is it that UK holds a younger part of you that has grown into the NZ self, and going to UK home is almost like regressing, like we might when we return to families of origin eg at christmas and the child-self pops up?
It's really fascinating!
Yes, in some ways it probably is a younger self that comes to life in the UK. It's not that those parts don't exist in NZ but more that they recede into the background. London life definitely suited my 20-something self, but I can't imagine it suiting my 50-something self. I think I woukd find it all too hard. I do love to visit though.
Thanks for your thoughtful comments Jo. I'll be curious to hear what the Cayman Islands wake up in you 😃
Wow. Reading this put tears in my eyes and warmth in my heart. I can relate to the feeling of having homes far from each other, each geographical place offering a different sense of belonging. It can be hard, but like you said, perhaps home is within.
I'm reading this at the perfect time, as I've been toying with the idea of whether or not I will stay in Thailand, go "home" to Canada, or somewhere new all together. It has me reflecting on what my inner world might need in the moment, and has me wondering if there's something I'm trying to run from again or if it's just time for a change of scenery.
I'm so glad it struck a chord with you Kaitlyn. These are complex decisions... Now I'll have to subscribe as I want to know how your story unfolds 😊
Stay tuned 😅❤️
I find this an interesting topic as I have more than one sibling who's moved from Wales to NZ. But I've always lived within the same 30 miles. Anytime I spend more than around 4 weeks from home (North West Wales) I feel like I'm changing, like I'm less myself. I think it's down to language. I speak Welsh every day with all of my closest friends and family, at work and in most social spaces. So when I don't I feel like I'm not my true self, I suppose I don't feel at home... To ever leave here would break my heart and probably my soul. So I wonder if moving to a country who might be different culturally but you sill speak their language is an easier transition?
Interesting Gwenno. Yes, I've no doubt it is easier in some ways when you speak the same language. My husband is a German immigrant to New Zealand and although he had some English when he arrived, he had a lot to learn. I shall ask him his thoughts on this subject 😊
I feel this so much ❤️ I'm originally from Belgium and now living in New Zealand as well. You explained so beautifully how it feels to have two homes. And even though I've been here for 9 years now, that feeling doesn't really go away. I'm very happy and settled in NZ, but still, there's always that in-between feeling just a little bit in the background.
I'm so glad to hear it resonated with you Sophie. I'm 18 years in NZ now and it still hasn't gone away, so I think it's probably always going to be there....
This is an interesting point to consider Vicki, thank you. Awhile ago I made up a theory that all folks are city, mountain, ocean, river or prairie people (my theory is based on no research!) and so, while I don't specifically have a place I am tethered, I identify as a river person. My family, consisting of my husband and I and our sons - sorry bad grammar) are at home in the mountains of the Kootenays in British Columbia, Canada. It has a distinct character, as well as exquisite beauty, and we all feel fortunate to live here.
Thanks for sharing that Donna. I'm not sure which I'd be.... I have parts that love the city, the ocean and the mountains in equal measure. I think I was drawn to Auckland because I get to have two of the three - city and ocean rolled into one 😊
I SO resonate with what you share! My dad was in the Army, so while I'm from Washington state and that was always "home", my first memories are from Western Germany. We followed that with Kansas and then Germany again, before my parents divorced and I lived with my mom in Washington with her parents, before she got remarried. After college I joined the air force, so again was on the move; before resettling in a new spot in Washington in 2013. This year, my wife and I moved for her job to Europe (we're stationed in Sicily, but mostly in Scotland). Whew! While I didn't start out meaning to write all that, I'm glad it came out, as it gets at why home for me is: A deep sense of belonging anywhere and everywhere inside of me, which comes from practicing yoga, meditation, and contemplation (which connect me to my True Self and Spirit) + Having a person I can share my longings, needs, hurts, joys, hopes, etc. with (my wife) + Having a circle of close friends I can do likewise with + Being in nature (which also connects me to True Self and the Divine) + Writing about life, my experiences, insights, discoveries, etc. here on Substack. Thank you for this! 🫶🏽
Thanks so much for sharing your story Lang. It's so interesting getting to know people's journeys.... an unexpected side-effect of writing this piece, that I am getting to connect a little more deeply with some of my readers 😊
Yay! I love that, and it was a joy to share. 😊
Such a thoughtful and heartfelt post!
And hello to fellow kiwi - migrant - yogini 🧡🧡🧡
I have been in NZ for most 12 years now. It is now HOME. Coincidentally it started feeling like home after we got a block of land to look after. Turangawaewae.
Love that Polina, and so great to connect with a kindred spirit. We are drowning in a sea of Autumn posts here on Substack.... yay for folks in the Southern Hemisphere 😀
Where was your original home?
Heh, yaaay for spring! It is still so confusing when you grow up with identifying September as autumn.
I was born in Russia. Last few years have added a whole other level of complexity when I think of my home country.
Gosh, yes, these must be some challenging times.....
I spend such a very great deal of time reflecting on this topic! My parents were post-war immigrants to Australia from the Netherlands. I lived in Australia for the first twenty years of my life then moved to the UK, and have since lived in a number of different countries. Being itinerant has made me uncomfortable with the idea of a "forever" home... The thought of returning to the UK or Australia makes me twitch! I love the challenge of starting again in new places and learning what "home" means to the people who live there. My kids are comfortable in any country they find themselves in. I guess the planet is our home. 😊💕
Citizens of the world, I love that Michelle 😀
As an intentional migrant from Wales to Australia this post really speaks to me. After 32 years Australia is definitely home to me but there is certainly still a connection with the UK. Even after all of this time I find myself saying “back home”. My childhood memories of growing up, getting married and having our three wonderful are all from the UK so it will always have a place in my heart. I haven’t been “back home” for 20 years, since my father died so I wonder if I would feel a sense of be,ongoing now or if it would all feel very alien.
Yes, would be really interesting to see how it feels after all that time - I suspect perhaps a bit of both? My longest absence was during the COVID years when I didn't travel back to the UK for about 4 years, but with the majority of my family there and some longstanding friendships, it still very much has the feel of 'home'
Born in India. Canadian for 40 years. Went back after 32 years and emotions came pouring out to my surprise. My father’s birthplace. I would tease him when he was visiting every two years his ancestral land from canada, “dad, there is lot of dust. He would reply, “ I love even my country’s dirt”. The connection to your birthplace never disappears. There is always a connection missing. My father passed and I will miss him forever. I love you dad ❤️🇨🇦
Thanks for sharing your experiences Noor, and sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I agree, the connection to the land of our birth never disappears, those roots are powerful...
Beautifully written, and the sentiment speaks to me. Although my two "homes" aren't in different countries, they evoke different parts of me, as you stated. I've moved between Michigan and Southern California three times in my 60 years, and both places carry a deep sense of home. I've lived in SoCal now since 2016, and last week I spent a week at my family's lake cottage in Michigan where I grew up spending summers. Luckily, when I decided to move to California 8 years ago, my cousin bought the place from me so I can still go back. I'm not sure that's a good thing, though, because I sat there last week on the porch swing from my childhood and the sadness and tears welled up in me, a kind of grieving over having given up such a beautiful place with so many memories. But then when my time in Michgian ended and the plane was coming in to land in San Diego, and I saw the Coronado Bridge and the sparkling ocean and the boats in the harbor, my heart soared again with the feeling of being home. I really relate to what you said about being torn between two lovers... I feel it!
Thanks for sharing your story Mimi - yes the grief is real! Many times I've cried my eyes out on the plane after a visit back to my original home. And then, yes, like you, my heart soars when I reconnect with my other 'home'. It's a complex life...
Complex life indeed. My sister and I seem to be ending more conversations these days by just saying, "Life!" to sum it all up. Can't wait to dig into more of your writing now that I found you.
Great to have you here Mimi 😊
Your writing and insight spoke to me. "Home" has been on my mind for the past two weeks, asking many of the same questions you have asked here. There are so many aspects and levels of 'home' and you just did an outstanding job of clarifying, for me, all of them. I truly felt your words. Thank you so much!
Oh thanks so much for your generous comments Jane, that is lovely to hear 😊