Notes to my younger self
From 52-year-old me to 22-year-old me
A few months ago, I received a bunch of photos from a friend I lived with when I turned 22. They sent me on a little trip down memory lane. At 22, I was working on a volunteer programme in Brighton, living in one of the beautiful old Regency period properties just off the seafront, and about to move to London for my first proper paid job in mental health. This week, I’m turning 52. It’s hard to reconcile that 30 years have passed, and it got me pondering the things I’d like to tell that younger version of me, if I could sit down beside her for a cuppa and a chat.
Here she is, in those Brighton days.
And these are some of the things I’d like to tell her…
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I want you to know that nothing is wasted. All those life experiences that don’t quite make sense now, are stepping stones on a path to something else.
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That teenage dream you had of writing books and becoming a journalist, will come back around in your fifties as you start to share your writing with the world.
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You cannot force something that is not in your path. Your willpower alone will not manifest something that is not meant for you.
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But equally, what’s meant for you will not pass you by. You don’t have to create it all alone, you are co-creating with life itself.
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You are not going to be a mother, in the traditional sense, in this lifetime. You will spend a lot of years striving to make this happen. You will imagine that it is the end of your world and that this grief will crush you. But you will move beyond this to find that life is still rich and meaningful and beautiful and complicated on the other side. And the energy that would have gone into motherhood will be available for other things.
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The dark nights of the soul are where the deepest growth happens.
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Do not hesitate to go to therapy when you need to. Forget the stigma, it will change your life.
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Everyone feels imperfect. Everyone feels like an imposter. Everyone imagines everyone else knows something they don’t. Except perhaps the real narcissists, and you don’t need to worry about comparing yourself to them.
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You are allowed to be a beginner. There is no way to become good at something without first being a beginner. Those people around you who look like they know what they’re doing were also beginners once too.
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When someone shows you or tells you who they are, especially in a dating situation, believe them. They are not going to change into someone different.
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Spend less time worrying about whether guys like you, and more time worrying about whether you like them.
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Your heart will be broken a few times. It will feel like your life is ending. You will even fleetingly contemplate ending it yourself. But you will get through these periods, learn so much about grief, relationships, and yourself, and you will know that these chapters needed to end.
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You won’t get married until you’re in your fifties. You will think of this as a failure at times. But this is how long it takes to figure out relationships and do it differently.
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They say that your school years are the best years of your life. They lie. It is going to get so much better than that.
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That psychology degree that people have told you is a useless subject, will lead you to a rich, and purposeful career that taps into your deepest passions. You are right not to follow the advice about studying maths and pursuing a career in banking. Keep following your curiosity, it won’t lead you astray.
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Your health is going to be a challenge. This will feel like a cruel twist of the knife of destiny. But it will also lead you down pathways of learning and self-discovery that will become your offering to the world.
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You will continue to question the decisions you make in your twenties for the rest of your life. You will still never know if they were the right decisions, but you will find peace with them.
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Enjoy your looks now. I know you think there are too many things wrong with your body, but trust me, you will look back at old photos of yourself and marvel at what you did not know you had.
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That said, it’s always worth paying extra for a good haircut. Not everyone knows what to do with curly hair.
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You don’t need to waste so much energy trying to be cool, and fun, and trying to be like everyone else. Let yourself be the quirky, serious, passionate introvert that you are. You will find your people.
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Life will lead you to some unexpected places. Follow it. Don’t overthink it, it’s all unfolding as it needs to.
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Yoga and meditation will become important in your life. It wouldn’t be a bad thing to start them now.
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Those dance classes you took as a kid will turn out to be really useful. Not because you become a ballerina, but because dancing is one of the shortcuts to freedom and joy in your life.
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You will fear that it’s all over and the best years are behind you when you turn 30, and then again when you turn 40. The best-kept secret is that, in many ways, life actually gets better as you get older. Don’t be so afraid of aging.
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You will not be able to see healing and growth taking place as it happens. It is tiny and incremental and frustratingly slow. But one day you will look back over three decades and recognise how far you have come.
There must be something in the air, because as I was drafting this piece over the past few weeks, I’ve come across two other beautiful pieces on very similar themes, from
and . Both well worth a read - you can find them here and here.I’d love to hear - what would you want to tell your younger self if you could sit down for a chat?
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Disclaimer - Content is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only, and is not a substitute for individualised mental health treatment or advice.
Always fun to hear that conversation with the 22 you. My message would be a tiny manifesto: You don't need more balance. You need to be more yourself. You need silence, not loneliness. Challenge, not noise. Stop performing for systems that were never designed for you or by you. Every day, come back to yourself--not the functional version but the complete one.
Vicki, this wise advice is fantastic. This is one of my favorites: "Spend less time worrying about whether guys like you, and more time worrying about whether you like them." That would have saved me a great deal of angst! Thank you for these precious gems.