Wow. I needed to read this today. Obviously there's magic in the universe. You spoke to all the things that I'm grappling with, that I'm afraid of, in joining with another. I'm so afraid that I'll lose track of myself, and I've only just found me. But I also know whether I run away from love, or into its arms, I will always meet some aspect of myself that needs to heal and learn. I bookmarked your essay, because I'll need read it several more times and share it with my partner. There's an abundance of wisdom to be found in your words. Thank you. And congratulations!
Thank you so much Nan. That is lovely to hear. I am never sure how a piece will land when I hit 'publish' and it's so good to hear that it spoke to you in that way. The fear of losing myself has been big for me too (it's not by accident that I'm getting married for the first time at age 50!) But one of the things that helped me say yes to this relationship is that he supports me to fully be myself and doesn't compromise that in any way. Wishing you all the best on your own relationship journey.
How wonderful that you and your new husband respect each others' paths. I need that need that too. I'm 63, and have lived most of my life as a single person, and have also lived alone for most of that time....and I like it like that! But I need to discern more clearly whether it's fear holding me back, or just the way I am. I suspect the fear of being that close to another person, and all the unpredictability of sharing a life with someone is a big piece of my reticence. Anyway, thanks again!
Dr Vicki, thank you. I'm such a mush ball for a good love story. I'm blessed to have had a deeply loving and playful marriage for thirty-five years. My sense of commitment is this: marriage is a spiritual path and spiritual paths bring us the lessons and issues that need our attention. In thirty-five years we've celebrated and grieved; we've played and we've suffered; we've had adventures and we've been stuck -- and through all of those things we kept talking and kept loving. At the end of the day what my mother once told me was right, ". . . and never," she said "go to bed angry at one another." And we never have, even if it meant staying up half the night.
Ooh yes, I really resonate with that idea of marriage as a spiritual path, bringing the lessons we need. Thanks for sharing your experiences Stephanie, your 35 year journey is very inspiring 😊 Though I will say that, for us, going to bed when we're angry is often exactly what we need. I find that after a good night's sleep much of the anger dissipates and we can see more clearly what the issue is 🙃
As for never going to bed angry -- I really don't believe there is one right way or one wrong way -- we just have to find what works best for us, right? Sometimes distance does bring the issue into greater clarity. Either way, you guys still have a sweet love story. Big hugs.
Welcome back, and what a beautiful and wise post, showing courage to commit to walking together, knowing that we're all free to take a different route.
May your paths alongside each other continue to be paved with such loving grace and acceptance
Has there also been a tweak with the branding / colours?? I like it! xx
Thank you so much Jo 😊 No tweaking, I've been mostly off-line for the last few weeks. I feel like I could do with upgrading my little thumbnail image, but that techy stuff is not my strong suit 🙃
I resonate with much of what you have shared. There is always room to grow in a committed relationship. Glenn and I have been married for 21 years. We have been there for each other during some very dark and difficult times
(including 11 years of infertility). I am so grateful for his kindness and steadfast (though of course, imperfect) love, and the way he gently challenges me to grow into a better version of myself.
Al the very best for the years ahead of married life, as you continue your adventure together
Every word you wrote resonates with me. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece with us. I wish you a future filled with fulfillment, even as it remains beautifully unknown.
Congratulations! What a gorgeous exploration of commitment. I love how you tie in the importance of self-commitment. I’ve been married now for 14 years and as my husband and I grow older (late 40s) we are having more “state of the unions” so to speak. Frequent check ins that we didn’t always need (or maybe understand) in our earlier years of marriage. What I know, for me, is the work is worth it. And that just because it may take work doesn’t mean it isn’t a good match. I like how you point this out, too.
And I feel for my guy because he’s a big feeler, too. Cries right along beside me at the sad movies. 🥹
What a gorgeous artifact this is - on marriage as a compass.
Thank you so much Allison. And, yes, I think that's the bit I didn't understand in my younger years - that the 'work' is a sign of a healthy relationship, rather than the opposite. We are brought up to believe that couples just live 'happily ever after' and noone talks about the work that needs to go into this.
Oh my this is beautiful. Something shifted in me as I read this. I've been hoping and waiting patiently for my life partner. I know I'll find them eventually, but I've forgotten myself. I've been on the path of myself for a long time, but I've been kind of living and hoping the next moment will be the one to be found.... I can't articulate it adequately or concisely but I'm deeply grateful for this. It's exactly what I needed, exactly now. ❤️
Congratulations! And what a wonderful perspective. I will be printing this out and keeping it in a box of "love letters" for when I may need your wisdom. Truly gorgeous. Blessings on you both and your continued journey.
I have been wondering where you’ve been! I’ve missed your words and wisdom and this no doubt hits both. At a time when marriage and partnership is hard for both my husband and I, this reminds me of why we are doing this…because we are committed both to our own journey, ours together, and our two kids. My favorite part you share is when you write about hoping your husband will choose himself if the partnership compromises his own growth or personhood. How lovely and selfless. Glad to have you back and CONGRATULATIONS! 🎈🎉 🩵
Aw thanks Lindsey, it's nice to be missed! There's so much great writing on here, I wasn't sure anyone would notice my absence 😄 Appreciate your comments on the post too - It was actually my husband who taught me that piece about choosing yourself - he told me quite early in our relationship that if I ever thought I would be happier with someone else, I should go, with his blessing. I've come to believe that this is at the heart of love - valuing the other's happiness on a par with your own. Challenging in practice of course 🙃
Congrats on your vows of marriage and wedding celebration! Sounds like you've been living out those vows for quite a while anyways. ❤️ Since you asked, commitment to me means recognizing it will be hard and choosing it anyway. You spoke of some examples of this and I think that taking the good with the bad, the easy with the hard, the fun with the challenges - that's commitment.
Thanks Katie, and yes, that's a great way to describe commitment. Perhaps one of the advantages of making this step later in life is that I'm doing it without the rose-tinted spectacles of my youth 😀
Gorgeous love story and ceremony Vicki, beautiful words, thank you. They've been helpful to read and digest as we prepare for our European Celebration of Love tomorrow. xx
I enjoyed reading your thoughts on commitment. I waited until I was 48 before I got married, and to us commitment is something we value a lot. I remember when we got engaged, he asked me how permanence felt. We both view marriage as a covenant before God. The one thing I really enjoyed studying before we got married was the word Hesed in Hebrew. It's a hard word to translate, but it means covenant love, steadfast devotion, lovingkindness, enduring love, etc. I remember a few months into our marriage, after finding many adjustments quite challenging, I drove 45 minutes to his workplace to have lunch with him. I told him I was weary of the friction we felt between us too often as we tried to adapt. But we both agreed that we'd rely on God's help and power to fulfill this covenant, to learn to live out His Hesed in our marriage. Despite times of testing, to us, love stays. We stick it out when things get hard. And I'm really thankful for how we've both grown.
This was such a beautiful and timely post for me to read, Vicki, and please know I’m wishing you and your partner all the very best as you start this new chapter of your journey together — blessings to you both! 🤍🥂✨
Wow. I needed to read this today. Obviously there's magic in the universe. You spoke to all the things that I'm grappling with, that I'm afraid of, in joining with another. I'm so afraid that I'll lose track of myself, and I've only just found me. But I also know whether I run away from love, or into its arms, I will always meet some aspect of myself that needs to heal and learn. I bookmarked your essay, because I'll need read it several more times and share it with my partner. There's an abundance of wisdom to be found in your words. Thank you. And congratulations!
Thank you so much Nan. That is lovely to hear. I am never sure how a piece will land when I hit 'publish' and it's so good to hear that it spoke to you in that way. The fear of losing myself has been big for me too (it's not by accident that I'm getting married for the first time at age 50!) But one of the things that helped me say yes to this relationship is that he supports me to fully be myself and doesn't compromise that in any way. Wishing you all the best on your own relationship journey.
How wonderful that you and your new husband respect each others' paths. I need that need that too. I'm 63, and have lived most of my life as a single person, and have also lived alone for most of that time....and I like it like that! But I need to discern more clearly whether it's fear holding me back, or just the way I am. I suspect the fear of being that close to another person, and all the unpredictability of sharing a life with someone is a big piece of my reticence. Anyway, thanks again!
Yes, it can be tricky to disentangle! But I love that you're asking yourself those questions.
Dr Vicki, thank you. I'm such a mush ball for a good love story. I'm blessed to have had a deeply loving and playful marriage for thirty-five years. My sense of commitment is this: marriage is a spiritual path and spiritual paths bring us the lessons and issues that need our attention. In thirty-five years we've celebrated and grieved; we've played and we've suffered; we've had adventures and we've been stuck -- and through all of those things we kept talking and kept loving. At the end of the day what my mother once told me was right, ". . . and never," she said "go to bed angry at one another." And we never have, even if it meant staying up half the night.
Ooh yes, I really resonate with that idea of marriage as a spiritual path, bringing the lessons we need. Thanks for sharing your experiences Stephanie, your 35 year journey is very inspiring 😊 Though I will say that, for us, going to bed when we're angry is often exactly what we need. I find that after a good night's sleep much of the anger dissipates and we can see more clearly what the issue is 🙃
As for never going to bed angry -- I really don't believe there is one right way or one wrong way -- we just have to find what works best for us, right? Sometimes distance does bring the issue into greater clarity. Either way, you guys still have a sweet love story. Big hugs.
Welcome back, and what a beautiful and wise post, showing courage to commit to walking together, knowing that we're all free to take a different route.
May your paths alongside each other continue to be paved with such loving grace and acceptance
Has there also been a tweak with the branding / colours?? I like it! xx
Thank you so much Jo 😊 No tweaking, I've been mostly off-line for the last few weeks. I feel like I could do with upgrading my little thumbnail image, but that techy stuff is not my strong suit 🙃
Beautiful, heartfelt words!
I resonate with much of what you have shared. There is always room to grow in a committed relationship. Glenn and I have been married for 21 years. We have been there for each other during some very dark and difficult times
(including 11 years of infertility). I am so grateful for his kindness and steadfast (though of course, imperfect) love, and the way he gently challenges me to grow into a better version of myself.
Al the very best for the years ahead of married life, as you continue your adventure together
Thank you so much Andrea. I love that - helping each other grow into better versions of yourselves ❤
Every word you wrote resonates with me. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece with us. I wish you a future filled with fulfillment, even as it remains beautifully unknown.
Thanks so much Victoria, I'm glad to hear it resonated 😊
Congratulations! What a gorgeous exploration of commitment. I love how you tie in the importance of self-commitment. I’ve been married now for 14 years and as my husband and I grow older (late 40s) we are having more “state of the unions” so to speak. Frequent check ins that we didn’t always need (or maybe understand) in our earlier years of marriage. What I know, for me, is the work is worth it. And that just because it may take work doesn’t mean it isn’t a good match. I like how you point this out, too.
And I feel for my guy because he’s a big feeler, too. Cries right along beside me at the sad movies. 🥹
What a gorgeous artifact this is - on marriage as a compass.
Thanks, Vicki.
Thank you so much Allison. And, yes, I think that's the bit I didn't understand in my younger years - that the 'work' is a sign of a healthy relationship, rather than the opposite. We are brought up to believe that couples just live 'happily ever after' and noone talks about the work that needs to go into this.
And yay for the guys who cry 😊❤
This moved me to tears. Such beautiful and wise and heartfelt words. I wish you both so well
Oh thank you David, that is such lovely feedback to hear. I'm so glad it resonated 😊
Oh my this is beautiful. Something shifted in me as I read this. I've been hoping and waiting patiently for my life partner. I know I'll find them eventually, but I've forgotten myself. I've been on the path of myself for a long time, but I've been kind of living and hoping the next moment will be the one to be found.... I can't articulate it adequately or concisely but I'm deeply grateful for this. It's exactly what I needed, exactly now. ❤️
Thank you Miss Gold, that is lovely feedback to hear. I'm so glad it reached you at the right moment 😊
Congratulations! And what a wonderful perspective. I will be printing this out and keeping it in a box of "love letters" for when I may need your wisdom. Truly gorgeous. Blessings on you both and your continued journey.
Oh thank you Emma. That is such lovely feedback ❤ I'm glad to hear it spoke to you 😊
I just love this idea of a box of printed love letters!
Me too ❤️
I have been wondering where you’ve been! I’ve missed your words and wisdom and this no doubt hits both. At a time when marriage and partnership is hard for both my husband and I, this reminds me of why we are doing this…because we are committed both to our own journey, ours together, and our two kids. My favorite part you share is when you write about hoping your husband will choose himself if the partnership compromises his own growth or personhood. How lovely and selfless. Glad to have you back and CONGRATULATIONS! 🎈🎉 🩵
Aw thanks Lindsey, it's nice to be missed! There's so much great writing on here, I wasn't sure anyone would notice my absence 😄 Appreciate your comments on the post too - It was actually my husband who taught me that piece about choosing yourself - he told me quite early in our relationship that if I ever thought I would be happier with someone else, I should go, with his blessing. I've come to believe that this is at the heart of love - valuing the other's happiness on a par with your own. Challenging in practice of course 🙃
Congrats on your vows of marriage and wedding celebration! Sounds like you've been living out those vows for quite a while anyways. ❤️ Since you asked, commitment to me means recognizing it will be hard and choosing it anyway. You spoke of some examples of this and I think that taking the good with the bad, the easy with the hard, the fun with the challenges - that's commitment.
Thanks Katie, and yes, that's a great way to describe commitment. Perhaps one of the advantages of making this step later in life is that I'm doing it without the rose-tinted spectacles of my youth 😀
Gorgeous love story and ceremony Vicki, beautiful words, thank you. They've been helpful to read and digest as we prepare for our European Celebration of Love tomorrow. xx
Thanks Eric. Glad to hear it's helpful 😊
Beautiful ❤️
Thank you Rebecca 😊
Beautiful piece Vicky and congratulations to you both ❤️
Thank you so much Michelle 😊
I enjoyed reading your thoughts on commitment. I waited until I was 48 before I got married, and to us commitment is something we value a lot. I remember when we got engaged, he asked me how permanence felt. We both view marriage as a covenant before God. The one thing I really enjoyed studying before we got married was the word Hesed in Hebrew. It's a hard word to translate, but it means covenant love, steadfast devotion, lovingkindness, enduring love, etc. I remember a few months into our marriage, after finding many adjustments quite challenging, I drove 45 minutes to his workplace to have lunch with him. I told him I was weary of the friction we felt between us too often as we tried to adapt. But we both agreed that we'd rely on God's help and power to fulfill this covenant, to learn to live out His Hesed in our marriage. Despite times of testing, to us, love stays. We stick it out when things get hard. And I'm really thankful for how we've both grown.
That is beautiful Susan. Thanks for sharing your experiences 😊
This was such a beautiful and timely post for me to read, Vicki, and please know I’m wishing you and your partner all the very best as you start this new chapter of your journey together — blessings to you both! 🤍🥂✨
Thank you so much Candace, I'm so glad it spoke to you ❤