Great post, thanks Vicki. For me, the 'introvert/extrovert' continuum is much more nuanced. I have been both in my life, but it totally depends on the social situation, life circumstances, hormones, ageing, resilience/vulnerability etc. I am much happier in my own company in my eighties and really need that to give space to my expanding inner life and to savour what's happening in the now. And I need meaningful engagement with friends and groups to balance my life, widen my horizons, and get some perspective. What you said here "I live in a sensitive nervous system that is very porous to the energies of people around me, and I often need to withdraw from social situations to regroup and restore my energy." made me think that another nuance is whether or not we are 'sensitives' or 'empaths' and the need to withdraw doesn't necessarily fit in to the 'introvert' category. So, for me, as a person who experiences the world primarily somatically, its more about being able to regulate the energetic impacts on my nervous system of living in the world - its both a challenge and a gift (I wonder why I am a bodymind therapist!!). So, I prefer to think of myself as being introverted or extroverted - an adjective rather than a noun!
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts PJ. Yes, I think there's a huge overlap between the labels of 'sensitive/empath' and 'introvert'. I agree, it is very much about regulating the energetic impact on the nervous system for me too, and I was drawn to somatic therapies for the same reason 😊
"...need that to give space to my expanding inner life and to savour what's happening in the now." Yes, please!! I've only recently come to the realization that my lifelong designation of "extrovert" doesn't fully describe me anymore, as I shift toward a greater need to be alone with my own thoughts. Thank you for putting this into words, and for mentioning your age, PJ. I'm 61, and appreciate hearing from people who have a deeper well of wisdom.
Very interesting. From my experience, learning about my lifelong introversion was empowering. I know some people don’t like labels, but many times they are helpful.
Yes, I'm not against the label, and have used the label 'introvert' many times to describe and understand myself too, but I also like to get curious about what's the meaning behind it.
Thanks for the link Melissa, I just came across this term for the first time the other day and am curious to read more. I'm sure there's some validity in it, though personally I'm not a big labels person. They are all made up at the end of the day, and useful to a point, but they also tend to mask our individual differences and can be a bit reductive.
Absolutely. But they can be useful starting points for non specialists like me to start thinking about who we are - as long as it doesn’t end there. I suspect a lot of my fellow novelists are more comfortable at the margins than the centre of any tribe or group. And I suspect many of us were bullied or socially excluded at school!
Yes, all of our experiences have shaped the people we've become. I'm sure being bullied at school helped me to be more empathic and sensitive to others.
Love this, I was literally just talking with a friend yesterday about how it seems to align with seasons in our life. Some seasons we need more people around us and other seasons we lean more towards being an introvert. I agree it's not as fixed as we once used to think, at least it isn't for me. Great explanation of these concepts!
Dr Connop - this is such a great reflection and I am so grateful the Substack algorithm popped it up for me! When I first took the MBTI decades ago, I was as far over on the I/E spectrum as I could be (ISFJ). I was in a time in my life where I was dealing with a lot of internal stuff and being very inward focused was the necessary thing for me. In the decades since as I have grown and changed in some beautiful ways, I have found myself being much more able to live as an introvert in an extroverted world. I still definitely draw my energy from time alone or with a few people (or my dog, Scout) but I have found that I am much more able to function in larger groups than I used to be able to. In fact, I have people who are surprised when I tell them that I tend to lean towards introversion.
One of the biggest things for me was being introduced to the enneagram in 2013 and how it was so much more of a freeing way to explore my self-understandings. I felt like the MBTI locked me into the ISFJ box whereas the Enneagram invited me into self-understandings that were more fluid and were more about connecting with a wider whole. I felt like it was more about wholeness rather than boxes.
Thanks so much for sharing that Edward, I'm glad to hear this piece resonated with you. Yes, I have always somewhat resisted the boxes of the Myers-Briggs. They can be useful to a point, but I would have responded differently to the questions at different points in my life and find them a bit too reductive. Understanding what's underneath the labels feels so much more helpful. Appreciate you taking the time to comment 😊
I strongly identify with the introvert label. When I was a kid, from 8 years old on, I was on my own more often than I was with family or friends. My dad traveled for work, so my schedule of seeing him was irregular. And my mom was a single mom caring for two daughters while working full-time and then going to school in the evening. I was expected to be invisible, basically. I took care of myself - cooked, cleaned, fed myself, and left virtually no trace of my existence.
While I gain a lot of energy from others and I love being around other people, it can drain me. Then I need to retreat into myself in solitude and silence to recharge. If the situation is particularly draining, it causes dysregulation in me. I tend to overthink in certain situations simply because I am used to being on my own and not having to read between the lines to figure out what people are saying/doing versus what they might really mean. I find that my system goes into overload - my body responds to something that seems not quite right - when my brain and/or heart have not yet caught up. Then I pull back drastically from similar situations and/or people.
I think we are always changing, including whether I resonate strongly with an introvert or extrovert label. I think we are both, actually, and that sometimes, we get a little unbalanced, one way or the other and then we overcorrect.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences Danielle. I definitely resonate strongly with the introvert label at times too, but I'm always curious about the layers that sit underneath those labels, and the childhood learning that shaped us. Really appreciate your thoughtful reflections ❤
I am a clear introvert. I can be extroverted for short periods of time, but I need to be alone to recharge. I do better with people one on one.
My kids' dad is an extrovert who who recharges at rock concerts and with people but doesn't actually like interacting with people. He's an introverted extrovert of sorts.
Like anything it's a spectrum. Some of us live on the ends, some in the middle.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences Janine. It's fascinating how often introverts and extroverts seem to partner up. I guess they complement each other 😊
I appreciate this post, Vicki. I’ve always considered myself 50% introvert and 50% extrovert and that’s how I’ve “tested” in those old-fashioned personality tests as well. So I’m not sure about those labels, but as a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, I agree with everything that you’re sharing about nervous system regulation and how we can build our capacity to tolerate both being alone and being with others as we learn about our own nervous systems and how to work with them. I appreciate how you articulated that so well.
Once again, you've hit the nail on the head - - I also "crashed" years ago, after a lifetime of overextending my emotional/social energy without examining the cost to my nervous system. It's taken 60 years, but I'm finally turning a corner on setting boundaries on who or what I will give my energy to; and I'm as happy as you are to dispense with labels! Thank you for your thought-provoking work.
Love this, Vicki! Similar to you, I see labels as shorthand. As words and concepts, they’re human constructions after all, and they exist within very specific cultural, historical, linguistic, and other (human-specific) contexts. I find it extremely interesting how folks (sometimes me, especially in the past) become so attached and charged around labels - as though desperate for proof that we exist, we matter, we belong, we’re different, we’re special.
I have learned to regulate - and to tune into what I’m feeling inside, as well as to connect with something bigger than myself - when alone, and I have great difficulty doing so when around other people. Still, as a Dr.TCM, I think of this in terms of patterns, which offer fluidity and acknowledge that so long as we are breathing (and perhaps beyond) we are changing. Our patterns may be part of us, but they’re not us.
Yes. So beautifully put Dana. The labels are all made-up since there is not something you can look at on a microscope to say yes you have this introvert trait. But absolutely they offer us a sense of being seen and validated. I actually do often use the word ‘introvert’ to describe myself, but I love what happens when we peel off the label and get curious about what’s actually happening. I still struggle to be regulated around people too, but I’m slowly, slowly learning. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective 😊
Oh Dr. Connop! You hit the nail on the head for me! You offer the same discussion I've been having with myself for YEARS -- trying to decide if I'm an Introvert OR extravert (I first was using the terms when I got involved with Myers-Briggs). I know that I withdrew from my family -- as I've discovered in recent years - due to (what I term) "emotional neglect". (I've written comments here about how I went into therapy not knowing what a "feeling" was!). I was lonely - and a loner -- not feeling that I fit in anywhere -- but also "able" to do OK as a "loner". Was I an Introvert who could "survive" alone - a lot better than many? That possibility occurred to me. I also can be envious of others who have greater ease in mixing -- and a need to do so (like my husband). Does that mean I have Extravert stirrings in me? That has been my conundrum. Your piece speaks to my wondering -- but doesn't "resolve" it. (Not looking for "resolution.) Yet you are giving voice to thoughts I have kept to myself -- which I GREATLY appreciate. Sometimes I feel as though I never -learned- how to "extravert" -- as though there is a technique I was never taught. And times when I feel "unworthy" and am wary about pursuing Social Situations -- which is a reflection (to me) of my Wounds, and not a core characteristic. And I wonder, at times, if I use my self-definition of "Introvert" as way of -avoiding- social situations I don't find comfortable. ["Not Comfortable" -- because I'm an Introvert? -- because I don't feel "worthy"? --because I never learned how to chit chat? -- because of - some other reasons?] For my sake I hope you come back to this dichotomy -- for your/our discussions help me take another "step" towards understanding -- and help me get out on my head - and into dialogues that expand this discussion, with more Possibilities. I'm glad I subscribe. Thanks.
You raise an interesting point Jay, about how these labels can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Since this piece seems to be sparking some lively debate and discussion, I'm sure I will return to it. There's a lot to unpack, but I think the starting point, for me, is always noticing what is happening in our body in any given context. Thanks so much for being here and for sharing your experiences 😊
Very interesting insights. As an extreme introvert who married an extreme extrovert, it has been instructive to watch our 2 kids grow up. Our daughter, firstborn, has my eyes, hair color, and generally resembles my family tree. Our son has my wife’s eyes, hair color, and generally resembles my wife’s side of the family. Even though they have both grown up in the same family and largely the same experiences, our daughter is introverted, and our son is extroverted. We could see those traits very early on, and so it’s hard to not assume DNA influence. At the same time, I can see out daughter being more socially flexible than I was at her age, and I think that’s because we have done a better job of coaching her through emotions, regulation, etc. than my parents did for me. I don’t have similar insights for my son, because I don’t know what it’s like to be extroverted, but I hope they both will grow to have more nervous system flexibility as it relates to being alone and being with others. So, nature AND nurture :-).
Fascinating Aaron, thanks for sharing that. And yes, of course, there's always a balance of nature and nurture at the end of the day. I just find the nurture part the most interesting, because this is what we can change, and I sometimes think we have more scope for change and influence than we recognise 😊
I love your words today. I can relate to them totally. It’s exhausting being an “extrovert” when the nervous system is sensitive and overworked. The challenge is finding the right balance.
Great post, thanks Vicki. For me, the 'introvert/extrovert' continuum is much more nuanced. I have been both in my life, but it totally depends on the social situation, life circumstances, hormones, ageing, resilience/vulnerability etc. I am much happier in my own company in my eighties and really need that to give space to my expanding inner life and to savour what's happening in the now. And I need meaningful engagement with friends and groups to balance my life, widen my horizons, and get some perspective. What you said here "I live in a sensitive nervous system that is very porous to the energies of people around me, and I often need to withdraw from social situations to regroup and restore my energy." made me think that another nuance is whether or not we are 'sensitives' or 'empaths' and the need to withdraw doesn't necessarily fit in to the 'introvert' category. So, for me, as a person who experiences the world primarily somatically, its more about being able to regulate the energetic impacts on my nervous system of living in the world - its both a challenge and a gift (I wonder why I am a bodymind therapist!!). So, I prefer to think of myself as being introverted or extroverted - an adjective rather than a noun!
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts PJ. Yes, I think there's a huge overlap between the labels of 'sensitive/empath' and 'introvert'. I agree, it is very much about regulating the energetic impact on the nervous system for me too, and I was drawn to somatic therapies for the same reason 😊
"...need that to give space to my expanding inner life and to savour what's happening in the now." Yes, please!! I've only recently come to the realization that my lifelong designation of "extrovert" doesn't fully describe me anymore, as I shift toward a greater need to be alone with my own thoughts. Thank you for putting this into words, and for mentioning your age, PJ. I'm 61, and appreciate hearing from people who have a deeper well of wisdom.
Thank you Amy. I'm not sure about the deeper well of wisdom, but certainly longer life experience and time to reflect.....
They definitely aren't! That's why there’s Ambiverts - people who can be extroverted when needed but also have introvert tendencies
Yes - thanks for adding that Caitlin 😊
But I am most definitely an introvert 😄🤣 in all ways haha
Very interesting. From my experience, learning about my lifelong introversion was empowering. I know some people don’t like labels, but many times they are helpful.
Yes, I'm not against the label, and have used the label 'introvert' many times to describe and understand myself too, but I also like to get curious about what's the meaning behind it.
Thank you for this, it makes a lot of sense. While I agree with you about the need for caution regarding labels, I was interested to read this piece proposing a third orientation, that of ‘otrovert’. It chimes really strongly with how I feel. I’d be interested in your thoughts! https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/aug/20/are-you-an-otrovert-why-this-personality-type-could-be-your-greatest-gift
Thanks for the link Melissa, I just came across this term for the first time the other day and am curious to read more. I'm sure there's some validity in it, though personally I'm not a big labels person. They are all made up at the end of the day, and useful to a point, but they also tend to mask our individual differences and can be a bit reductive.
Thanks for your comments 😊
Absolutely. But they can be useful starting points for non specialists like me to start thinking about who we are - as long as it doesn’t end there. I suspect a lot of my fellow novelists are more comfortable at the margins than the centre of any tribe or group. And I suspect many of us were bullied or socially excluded at school!
Absolutely Melissa, and I am definitely in that camp too (including the bullying at school).
Ugh, I’m sorry. It’s so interesting how we’ve turned it into a strength, though!
Yes, all of our experiences have shaped the people we've become. I'm sure being bullied at school helped me to be more empathic and sensitive to others.
It goes that way or the other way, doesn’t it.
Love this, I was literally just talking with a friend yesterday about how it seems to align with seasons in our life. Some seasons we need more people around us and other seasons we lean more towards being an introvert. I agree it's not as fixed as we once used to think, at least it isn't for me. Great explanation of these concepts!
That's a great point about seasons Sophie. Perimenopause is definitely introvert season over here 😊
Great post. Thanks for this ❤️
Thanks so much 😊
Dr Connop - this is such a great reflection and I am so grateful the Substack algorithm popped it up for me! When I first took the MBTI decades ago, I was as far over on the I/E spectrum as I could be (ISFJ). I was in a time in my life where I was dealing with a lot of internal stuff and being very inward focused was the necessary thing for me. In the decades since as I have grown and changed in some beautiful ways, I have found myself being much more able to live as an introvert in an extroverted world. I still definitely draw my energy from time alone or with a few people (or my dog, Scout) but I have found that I am much more able to function in larger groups than I used to be able to. In fact, I have people who are surprised when I tell them that I tend to lean towards introversion.
One of the biggest things for me was being introduced to the enneagram in 2013 and how it was so much more of a freeing way to explore my self-understandings. I felt like the MBTI locked me into the ISFJ box whereas the Enneagram invited me into self-understandings that were more fluid and were more about connecting with a wider whole. I felt like it was more about wholeness rather than boxes.
Thanks so much for sharing that Edward, I'm glad to hear this piece resonated with you. Yes, I have always somewhat resisted the boxes of the Myers-Briggs. They can be useful to a point, but I would have responded differently to the questions at different points in my life and find them a bit too reductive. Understanding what's underneath the labels feels so much more helpful. Appreciate you taking the time to comment 😊
Hi Vicki!
I strongly identify with the introvert label. When I was a kid, from 8 years old on, I was on my own more often than I was with family or friends. My dad traveled for work, so my schedule of seeing him was irregular. And my mom was a single mom caring for two daughters while working full-time and then going to school in the evening. I was expected to be invisible, basically. I took care of myself - cooked, cleaned, fed myself, and left virtually no trace of my existence.
While I gain a lot of energy from others and I love being around other people, it can drain me. Then I need to retreat into myself in solitude and silence to recharge. If the situation is particularly draining, it causes dysregulation in me. I tend to overthink in certain situations simply because I am used to being on my own and not having to read between the lines to figure out what people are saying/doing versus what they might really mean. I find that my system goes into overload - my body responds to something that seems not quite right - when my brain and/or heart have not yet caught up. Then I pull back drastically from similar situations and/or people.
I think we are always changing, including whether I resonate strongly with an introvert or extrovert label. I think we are both, actually, and that sometimes, we get a little unbalanced, one way or the other and then we overcorrect.
Thanks for sharing!! XO
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences Danielle. I definitely resonate strongly with the introvert label at times too, but I'm always curious about the layers that sit underneath those labels, and the childhood learning that shaped us. Really appreciate your thoughtful reflections ❤
Love this explanation!
Thanks Andrew 😊
I am a clear introvert. I can be extroverted for short periods of time, but I need to be alone to recharge. I do better with people one on one.
My kids' dad is an extrovert who who recharges at rock concerts and with people but doesn't actually like interacting with people. He's an introverted extrovert of sorts.
Like anything it's a spectrum. Some of us live on the ends, some in the middle.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences Janine. It's fascinating how often introverts and extroverts seem to partner up. I guess they complement each other 😊
I think the extroverts need to adopt us introverts, otherwise we would never leave the house or interact with other people! 🤣
So true 😀
I appreciate this post, Vicki. I’ve always considered myself 50% introvert and 50% extrovert and that’s how I’ve “tested” in those old-fashioned personality tests as well. So I’m not sure about those labels, but as a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, I agree with everything that you’re sharing about nervous system regulation and how we can build our capacity to tolerate both being alone and being with others as we learn about our own nervous systems and how to work with them. I appreciate how you articulated that so well.
Thank you Heidi, I'm glad to hear it resonates with your experience 😊
Once again, you've hit the nail on the head - - I also "crashed" years ago, after a lifetime of overextending my emotional/social energy without examining the cost to my nervous system. It's taken 60 years, but I'm finally turning a corner on setting boundaries on who or what I will give my energy to; and I'm as happy as you are to dispense with labels! Thank you for your thought-provoking work.
Thanks Amy. I'm glad to hear it resonates with your experience. I'm not far behind you, at 52, figuring out these boundaries myself 😊
Love this, Vicki! Similar to you, I see labels as shorthand. As words and concepts, they’re human constructions after all, and they exist within very specific cultural, historical, linguistic, and other (human-specific) contexts. I find it extremely interesting how folks (sometimes me, especially in the past) become so attached and charged around labels - as though desperate for proof that we exist, we matter, we belong, we’re different, we’re special.
I have learned to regulate - and to tune into what I’m feeling inside, as well as to connect with something bigger than myself - when alone, and I have great difficulty doing so when around other people. Still, as a Dr.TCM, I think of this in terms of patterns, which offer fluidity and acknowledge that so long as we are breathing (and perhaps beyond) we are changing. Our patterns may be part of us, but they’re not us.
Yes. So beautifully put Dana. The labels are all made-up since there is not something you can look at on a microscope to say yes you have this introvert trait. But absolutely they offer us a sense of being seen and validated. I actually do often use the word ‘introvert’ to describe myself, but I love what happens when we peel off the label and get curious about what’s actually happening. I still struggle to be regulated around people too, but I’m slowly, slowly learning. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective 😊
Oh Dr. Connop! You hit the nail on the head for me! You offer the same discussion I've been having with myself for YEARS -- trying to decide if I'm an Introvert OR extravert (I first was using the terms when I got involved with Myers-Briggs). I know that I withdrew from my family -- as I've discovered in recent years - due to (what I term) "emotional neglect". (I've written comments here about how I went into therapy not knowing what a "feeling" was!). I was lonely - and a loner -- not feeling that I fit in anywhere -- but also "able" to do OK as a "loner". Was I an Introvert who could "survive" alone - a lot better than many? That possibility occurred to me. I also can be envious of others who have greater ease in mixing -- and a need to do so (like my husband). Does that mean I have Extravert stirrings in me? That has been my conundrum. Your piece speaks to my wondering -- but doesn't "resolve" it. (Not looking for "resolution.) Yet you are giving voice to thoughts I have kept to myself -- which I GREATLY appreciate. Sometimes I feel as though I never -learned- how to "extravert" -- as though there is a technique I was never taught. And times when I feel "unworthy" and am wary about pursuing Social Situations -- which is a reflection (to me) of my Wounds, and not a core characteristic. And I wonder, at times, if I use my self-definition of "Introvert" as way of -avoiding- social situations I don't find comfortable. ["Not Comfortable" -- because I'm an Introvert? -- because I don't feel "worthy"? --because I never learned how to chit chat? -- because of - some other reasons?] For my sake I hope you come back to this dichotomy -- for your/our discussions help me take another "step" towards understanding -- and help me get out on my head - and into dialogues that expand this discussion, with more Possibilities. I'm glad I subscribe. Thanks.
You raise an interesting point Jay, about how these labels can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Since this piece seems to be sparking some lively debate and discussion, I'm sure I will return to it. There's a lot to unpack, but I think the starting point, for me, is always noticing what is happening in our body in any given context. Thanks so much for being here and for sharing your experiences 😊
Very interesting insights. As an extreme introvert who married an extreme extrovert, it has been instructive to watch our 2 kids grow up. Our daughter, firstborn, has my eyes, hair color, and generally resembles my family tree. Our son has my wife’s eyes, hair color, and generally resembles my wife’s side of the family. Even though they have both grown up in the same family and largely the same experiences, our daughter is introverted, and our son is extroverted. We could see those traits very early on, and so it’s hard to not assume DNA influence. At the same time, I can see out daughter being more socially flexible than I was at her age, and I think that’s because we have done a better job of coaching her through emotions, regulation, etc. than my parents did for me. I don’t have similar insights for my son, because I don’t know what it’s like to be extroverted, but I hope they both will grow to have more nervous system flexibility as it relates to being alone and being with others. So, nature AND nurture :-).
Fascinating Aaron, thanks for sharing that. And yes, of course, there's always a balance of nature and nurture at the end of the day. I just find the nurture part the most interesting, because this is what we can change, and I sometimes think we have more scope for change and influence than we recognise 😊
Judy here Vicki.
I love your words today. I can relate to them totally. It’s exhausting being an “extrovert” when the nervous system is sensitive and overworked. The challenge is finding the right balance.
Thanks so much for commenting Judy. Yes, it can be exhausting for sure ❤