My husband of thirty years was recently overseas for two weeks. We are both life and work partners and he rarely leaves town and, when he does, it's for three nights. So a two week stint was almost unprecedented! We have a good marriage and yet I did not miss him. The peace I felt, the calming of my entire system, was extraordinary. I felt like I returned to myself which left me processing many things about my life! As you said Vicki, there is a low-level, self-induced sense of tension that is a result of my lean toward people-pleasing, being able to read the emotions in the room and the innate desire to make sure everyone (him) is okay at all times. It's ridiculous! It's an ancestral imprint that is not serving me which is why I just completed writing a series on guilt. Some of this feels like guilt but it is not, it's the discomfort of sitting in discomfort. Thanks for a great essay.
Thank you Donna. Beautifully said. That's exactly it - 'a low-level, self-induced sense of tension that is a result of my lean toward people-pleasing, being able to read the emotions in the room and the innate desire to make sure everyone (him) is okay at all times'. I am treating this as a growth edge, and pondering what it would take to let that go..... Such a useful thing to reflect on and notice.
I need a lot of solitude whilst I’m healing from complex grief and trauma. My nervous system needs every ounce of time and energy after supporting my children with their complex grief recovery. There’s a need to be alone but alongside this there’s loneliness. However I reframe loneliness as disconnection from myself which is easing with ongoing healing.
I’m also very grateful for my dog. Company from another creature even if she’s a different species offers peaceful coregulation atm ❤️🩹
Thanks for sharing that Piata. I love your framing of loneliness as disconnection from self. And yes, animals seem to offer that co-regulation, especially when human company feels too much. I never need space from my kitties! ❤
Amen!! Intimacy and solitude do feed each other!! Completely agree the more intimately connected you are to yourself, the more you can be connected to others. It loosens the people pleasing so much. I go away for a long weekend by myself every summer and I look forward to it. It's wonderful!!!! XO
Vicki, I find your insights so helpful in my healing journey. I find safety in aloneness. I've had glimpses of safety when I've been with my two best friends (a couple). I've given up looking for safety in a relationship, which might be okay at my stage of life. But I find it encouraging to consider that I can train my nervous system to feel safe around others. Thank you!
Oh that's great to hear it was helpful Sandra 😊 It's been an ongoing piece of work for me too, to retrain my nervous system to find safety around others. I lived alone for many years, which in many ways was my happy place, and its an ongoing learning to find that level of safety with another person!
I'm definitely a person that needs quiet time and solitude. I get overwhelmed from noise and busy spaces quite easily. Reason number one why I live away from everything 😁 I'm very lucky that my hubby understands this well. Whenever I tell him I need quiet time he'll give me that space.
Had to giggle at your observation that maybe you're the messy one. I definitely have that belief as well, he's the messy one, not me!
Thanks for this interesting perspective Vicki. The part I resonated with is the value of spending time alone. I wholeheartedly agree when you wrote “there’s an opportunity to view yourself, your partner, and your relationship from a different angle.”
Like the other ladies, I could really relate to this. Thanks for writing it! 🤗 I love it when my is husband home. However, I also love it when he goes to work because I work from home. Ah, the whole house to myself! Pip, one of my cats, likes it too. Because when he leaves in the early, early am, they climb into bed with me.
Haha yes, cats are sometimes much easier to be around than people 😀 I was quite grateful during the COVID lockdowns that my husband continued to go to work, so we still had space from each other during the day!
This is a beautiful reflection of the solitude while having the opportunity to have space away from a partner. I recognise similar feelings as I experience the same situation. I recognise too the uncomfortable feeling of knowing that the projections onto the partner are clearly shown once they are not in our immediate physical environment! It is a sobering moment.
Thanks for the reflections, I shall pause as I have some of my own .
I have found that on those rare solo moments, I was looking forward to it so much and feeling so much pressure for it to be this incredible amazing time, I would be angry at myself if I was grouchy or unhappy - like I was wasting my own time. It took years but I finally realized that if I just briefly acknowledged being grouchy or unhappy, and how disappointed that made me, it was much more authentic and would pass much more quickly than all that resistance and guilt - the true time wasters! I was very happy to read this and know I am not alone in rejoicing in some solo time AND it also leaves me face to face with myself.
Yep. That sounds about right. The fantasy and the reality are two different things. After two weeks of me-time, I realised my own company is not that amazing, and was quite happy when he got home yesterday 😀
This is such an important article! I agree with you that particularly as women we are hyperfocused on those around us making sure that they are safe and taken care of and have their needs met. When my husband goes on a business trip all of that can be reabsorbed back to me. My time truly becomes my time.
Before the twins left for college I often fantasized about that solitude I would gain by going away by myself. Once they left though and I was able to catch up on some much-needed alone time I don't fantasize about it any longer. I've also done the work to heal my nervous system so those two things are playing out for me in increasing my level of happiness. I still need alone time but it's no longer a craving like it was before.
I haven't read this book but I know the basic premise and when I read this post about it all I kept thinking about was that popular comment in the '80s "I read Playboy for the articles." You really got something substantial out of this book other than the sex!
Haha.... I had to put that line in, just in case my husband thinks I am fantasising about polyamory (I'm not, it sounds like far too much hard work and hypervigilance for a poor little introvert to handle!) It's an interesting book on multiple levels though - the exploration of perimenopause being one of them. Thanks for reading and commenting Shelby 😊
This all speaks so strongly to me Vicki, and I’m reading it just before leaving for a week-long solitary retreat without my partner or cats. My partner and I spend almost all our time together and truly love being together. And yet... the only time the noise of hypervigilance and accompanying hum of anxiety quiets for me is when there are no other humans around (cats are fine). I also feel this solitude is my path to connect not just with myself but with Nature, Source, spirit, or something else (whatever we call it) that is much bigger than me. It’s how I find clarity and where I source deeper knowing.
Yes, exactly! That's true for me too. I do believe that it's possible to connect to source or spirit through relationship too (as the tantric teachings would suggest), but the most direct path for me is also in solitude or in nature. Cats are exceptions and are inherently spiritual beings I think 😀 Enjoy your solitary retreat Dana.
I enjoyed reading this. Having recently moved into my very fist 'home alone' I am still adjusting but I relate so much to the constant consideration of others and 'how am I?' in relation to them. Having come through several tough years of caring and then illness, I was experiencing compassion fatigue and only wanted my compassion for myself and to grow that. Not shopping for another's food or their needs, eating an orange and two sausages for dinner, having my breakfast in the porch staring at the garden, all are great liberations. Yes, there are moments when I feel lonely but I often felt that as a single mother, many times in fact. Allowing myself to experience the grief I need space for and to indulge everything I need for my ongoing recovery, living on my own is, for now, essential. I do lots of community activities and see my friends and family, but coming home and closing that door and only having to think of myself for the first time in 28 years is....bliss x
That sounds fabulous. I lived by myself for 11 years before moving in with my partner, and I did love many things about those years. I still feel pangs of envy of women who live alone, though having extensive experience on both sides of the fence, I know that they each come with their own unique set of challenges. Thanks so much for sharing your experience here 😊
This was beautiful! I am headed on a solo trip to Florida in a few weeks for a break. I do also love when my husband goes out of town…it’s definitely to just be totally self indulgent. It’s not the full experience since we have an 11yo but it still recharges me.
Interesting, Debbie Weil wrote about travelling on her own this week - and I pointed out I had written on the subject some time ago (https://arichardson.substack.com/p/finding-time-on-your-own). Yours is much more scientific and authoritative; mine just discussed the need.
I live alone and love it but sometimes I even need a mini-retreat from myself (I did an at home meditation retreat in my pajamas and it was wonderful!). Thank you for relating this to how our nervous system responds in different situations and explaining it can be malleable. Your posts are always so informative and thoughtful!
My husband of thirty years was recently overseas for two weeks. We are both life and work partners and he rarely leaves town and, when he does, it's for three nights. So a two week stint was almost unprecedented! We have a good marriage and yet I did not miss him. The peace I felt, the calming of my entire system, was extraordinary. I felt like I returned to myself which left me processing many things about my life! As you said Vicki, there is a low-level, self-induced sense of tension that is a result of my lean toward people-pleasing, being able to read the emotions in the room and the innate desire to make sure everyone (him) is okay at all times. It's ridiculous! It's an ancestral imprint that is not serving me which is why I just completed writing a series on guilt. Some of this feels like guilt but it is not, it's the discomfort of sitting in discomfort. Thanks for a great essay.
Thank you Donna. Beautifully said. That's exactly it - 'a low-level, self-induced sense of tension that is a result of my lean toward people-pleasing, being able to read the emotions in the room and the innate desire to make sure everyone (him) is okay at all times'. I am treating this as a growth edge, and pondering what it would take to let that go..... Such a useful thing to reflect on and notice.
I need a lot of solitude whilst I’m healing from complex grief and trauma. My nervous system needs every ounce of time and energy after supporting my children with their complex grief recovery. There’s a need to be alone but alongside this there’s loneliness. However I reframe loneliness as disconnection from myself which is easing with ongoing healing.
I’m also very grateful for my dog. Company from another creature even if she’s a different species offers peaceful coregulation atm ❤️🩹
Thanks for sharing that Piata. I love your framing of loneliness as disconnection from self. And yes, animals seem to offer that co-regulation, especially when human company feels too much. I never need space from my kitties! ❤
My Pip snuggled up with me now 🥰🐶
😍
Amen!! Intimacy and solitude do feed each other!! Completely agree the more intimately connected you are to yourself, the more you can be connected to others. It loosens the people pleasing so much. I go away for a long weekend by myself every summer and I look forward to it. It's wonderful!!!! XO
Yay! I'm glad it resonates with you Danielle. I'm already fantasising about my next solo time 😀
Vicki, I find your insights so helpful in my healing journey. I find safety in aloneness. I've had glimpses of safety when I've been with my two best friends (a couple). I've given up looking for safety in a relationship, which might be okay at my stage of life. But I find it encouraging to consider that I can train my nervous system to feel safe around others. Thank you!
Oh that's great to hear it was helpful Sandra 😊 It's been an ongoing piece of work for me too, to retrain my nervous system to find safety around others. I lived alone for many years, which in many ways was my happy place, and its an ongoing learning to find that level of safety with another person!
I'm definitely a person that needs quiet time and solitude. I get overwhelmed from noise and busy spaces quite easily. Reason number one why I live away from everything 😁 I'm very lucky that my hubby understands this well. Whenever I tell him I need quiet time he'll give me that space.
Had to giggle at your observation that maybe you're the messy one. I definitely have that belief as well, he's the messy one, not me!
Thanks Sophie. Yes, I'm lucky too, in that my husband also values his alone time. It helps a lot!
Thanks for this interesting perspective Vicki. The part I resonated with is the value of spending time alone. I wholeheartedly agree when you wrote “there’s an opportunity to view yourself, your partner, and your relationship from a different angle.”
Thanks Nicole, I'm so glad to hear it resonated with you 😊
Like the other ladies, I could really relate to this. Thanks for writing it! 🤗 I love it when my is husband home. However, I also love it when he goes to work because I work from home. Ah, the whole house to myself! Pip, one of my cats, likes it too. Because when he leaves in the early, early am, they climb into bed with me.
Haha yes, cats are sometimes much easier to be around than people 😀 I was quite grateful during the COVID lockdowns that my husband continued to go to work, so we still had space from each other during the day!
This is a beautiful reflection of the solitude while having the opportunity to have space away from a partner. I recognise similar feelings as I experience the same situation. I recognise too the uncomfortable feeling of knowing that the projections onto the partner are clearly shown once they are not in our immediate physical environment! It is a sobering moment.
Thanks for the reflections, I shall pause as I have some of my own .
Thank you Roz, I'm glad to hear it resonated with your experience 😊
I have found that on those rare solo moments, I was looking forward to it so much and feeling so much pressure for it to be this incredible amazing time, I would be angry at myself if I was grouchy or unhappy - like I was wasting my own time. It took years but I finally realized that if I just briefly acknowledged being grouchy or unhappy, and how disappointed that made me, it was much more authentic and would pass much more quickly than all that resistance and guilt - the true time wasters! I was very happy to read this and know I am not alone in rejoicing in some solo time AND it also leaves me face to face with myself.
Yep. That sounds about right. The fantasy and the reality are two different things. After two weeks of me-time, I realised my own company is not that amazing, and was quite happy when he got home yesterday 😀
This is such an important article! I agree with you that particularly as women we are hyperfocused on those around us making sure that they are safe and taken care of and have their needs met. When my husband goes on a business trip all of that can be reabsorbed back to me. My time truly becomes my time.
Before the twins left for college I often fantasized about that solitude I would gain by going away by myself. Once they left though and I was able to catch up on some much-needed alone time I don't fantasize about it any longer. I've also done the work to heal my nervous system so those two things are playing out for me in increasing my level of happiness. I still need alone time but it's no longer a craving like it was before.
I haven't read this book but I know the basic premise and when I read this post about it all I kept thinking about was that popular comment in the '80s "I read Playboy for the articles." You really got something substantial out of this book other than the sex!
Haha.... I had to put that line in, just in case my husband thinks I am fantasising about polyamory (I'm not, it sounds like far too much hard work and hypervigilance for a poor little introvert to handle!) It's an interesting book on multiple levels though - the exploration of perimenopause being one of them. Thanks for reading and commenting Shelby 😊
This all speaks so strongly to me Vicki, and I’m reading it just before leaving for a week-long solitary retreat without my partner or cats. My partner and I spend almost all our time together and truly love being together. And yet... the only time the noise of hypervigilance and accompanying hum of anxiety quiets for me is when there are no other humans around (cats are fine). I also feel this solitude is my path to connect not just with myself but with Nature, Source, spirit, or something else (whatever we call it) that is much bigger than me. It’s how I find clarity and where I source deeper knowing.
Yes, exactly! That's true for me too. I do believe that it's possible to connect to source or spirit through relationship too (as the tantric teachings would suggest), but the most direct path for me is also in solitude or in nature. Cats are exceptions and are inherently spiritual beings I think 😀 Enjoy your solitary retreat Dana.
I enjoyed reading this. Having recently moved into my very fist 'home alone' I am still adjusting but I relate so much to the constant consideration of others and 'how am I?' in relation to them. Having come through several tough years of caring and then illness, I was experiencing compassion fatigue and only wanted my compassion for myself and to grow that. Not shopping for another's food or their needs, eating an orange and two sausages for dinner, having my breakfast in the porch staring at the garden, all are great liberations. Yes, there are moments when I feel lonely but I often felt that as a single mother, many times in fact. Allowing myself to experience the grief I need space for and to indulge everything I need for my ongoing recovery, living on my own is, for now, essential. I do lots of community activities and see my friends and family, but coming home and closing that door and only having to think of myself for the first time in 28 years is....bliss x
I feel like this too, so nice to have freedom! But I do also crave a relationship and feel lonely sometimes, but I don't want to give up what I have!
Yes of course there are moments and feelings of loneliness, it's important to acknowledge all the feelings. ❤️
That sounds fabulous. I lived by myself for 11 years before moving in with my partner, and I did love many things about those years. I still feel pangs of envy of women who live alone, though having extensive experience on both sides of the fence, I know that they each come with their own unique set of challenges. Thanks so much for sharing your experience here 😊
This was beautiful! I am headed on a solo trip to Florida in a few weeks for a break. I do also love when my husband goes out of town…it’s definitely to just be totally self indulgent. It’s not the full experience since we have an 11yo but it still recharges me.
So glad to hear it resonated with you Joy. Enjoy your Florida adventures 😀
Interesting, Debbie Weil wrote about travelling on her own this week - and I pointed out I had written on the subject some time ago (https://arichardson.substack.com/p/finding-time-on-your-own). Yours is much more scientific and authoritative; mine just discussed the need.
Thanks for sharing those other pieces Ann. Such a rich topic, I could have written so much more 😀
So could I, looking back. But I do think Substack pieces work better as short reminders of thoughts, rather than proper disquisitions.
Yes, I completely agree!
I live alone and love it but sometimes I even need a mini-retreat from myself (I did an at home meditation retreat in my pajamas and it was wonderful!). Thank you for relating this to how our nervous system responds in different situations and explaining it can be malleable. Your posts are always so informative and thoughtful!
Thanks so much Jennifer, I'm glad it resonated with your situation too 😊
A tender piece- it sounds as if your mini retreat was a really positive one.
Thanks Jo. Yes, definitely positive, though I think I'm getting bored of my own company now! 😀