This resonates deeply with my own experience, Vicki. When I sit down to meditate each evening - before I can even get to the actual meditation - I ask myself what am I actually feeling here (because I'm pretty much always anxious in the evening). Only when I dig deep enough into it, identify something at the core, and allow myself to go straight into that does it start to soften. This "thing at the core" is never the surface situation or first thing that comes to mind. And it's usually something I've subconsciously been trying to avoid feeling or facing.
Thanks for sharing your experience Dana - yes, the thing at the surface is so often not the thing! Although this piece focuses on depression, I think it's very true for anxiety too. And I love that you're adding meditation into the conversation, that can be such a useful path to finding what's at the core
I didn’t have a good experience with EMDR and as someone who has MDD the only thing that helps me climb out of a valley is allowing me to naturally be at a place to climb out which is to allow it to process and no amount of positivity will make it happen quicker. In my experience if positivity is flung at me when I’m in a valley is toxic positivity which only angers me
Yes - I so agree that positivity does not move things faster. And toxic positivity really angers me too! It sounds like you're finding what works for you, which is great to hear
Exactly because I know what works for me and I don’t listen to anyone else unless I feel what they say is valuable but most of the time they have no idea what they are talking about..
I completely agree that the way out is through. It seems so simple, so obvious and yet when it comes to feelings that we resist a whole complex game starts to take place to avoid the whole thing. It is the game that is depressing in the end because it goes no where. Just kleenex box after kleenex box. Thanks for this thoughtful piece.
The line - “We often think of depression and sadness as the same thing, but they’re not. Depression is what happens when we don’t fully feel our sadness, our pain. “
🙌🏻 yes yes yes. There is such a misconception that a depressed person feels things too deeply - too much. When in fact, it’s the opposite. They aren’t fully sinking into the full range of emotions or feelings.
Hello Dr. Connop. I lost about 8 years of my life to depression, but think I have it beat now. It came during the time after I transitioned out of the military and I was no longer working at an incredibly high ops tempo (busy) due to Operation Enduring Freedom (Afghanistan) and Operation Iraqi Freedom (Iraq) in the 2000s. The military gave me all of my life opportunities, so I am, IN NO WAY, bashing on that. I actually count joining the USAF as one of the best decisions of my life; finding my significant other was my other best decision. :)
It was the slower, down time AFTER I transitioned out of my Air Force that the major depressive disorder came. I am hoping maybe THAT counts as the sitting with it? Lol. Part of my ongoing (self-prescribed) treatment is to keep busy by helping others. That helps me a lot and has done so for the last 6 years, so will keep that up. Helping others gives me energy and keeps me moving and prevents me from falling into the well.
In conclusion, I am a little opposite in your recommendation, perhaps, in that I don't want to revisit sad memories anymore. I hope this is okay. I guess I will find out as life goes on.
Thank you for the advice and invitation for us to talk.
Okay @Mmerikani, enough sharing of private feelings to the public this week, lol.
Thanks for sharing your experiences Mmerikani and I'm so glad you have found something that works for you. Of course there is no one-size-fits-all. I wish you well on your journey.
I have found this to be so true in my own life! It is only by feeling my feelings that I’ve emerged from years of chronic depression and alcoholism. When I feel that dark cloud moving in, I know now to catch it early and let it move through me without suppressing it or distracting myself. Feelings just want to be felt!
I was depressed most of my adult life. Starting training to be therapist changed that. Weekly therapy sessions cut through my masking, my coping mechanisms and BS. I went deep and worked with what was actually going on with my child hood wounding. One of my biggest regrets is having to stop that process due to finances and illness. I know there is so much more to explore. I am not depressed anymore though and that has been priceless.
I love EMDR, and it has been such a catalytic and empowering experience for me in reframing these painful points in my history. In one of my sessions, I was able to create a visual lifeline for myself. In another, I watched my father turn into a caged tiger before regressing into a scared little boy. It was only through EMDR and somatic work that I was able to tap into feelings within my body, a journey I'm still navigating, but it gave me a means of making it happen.
And now in my personal diet recovery work, sitting with those uncomfortable feelings is the way through the discomfort. The reason dieting is so powerful for some people is that some of us are trying so desperately not to feel, and dieting gives us this sense of control over ourselves that feels very satisfying (at least in the beginning before our bodies begin to rebel).
Thanks for sharing your experiences Kristi. I'm often amazed by the journeys people go on with EMDR. And I fully agree about the links between dieting and trying not to feel. People tend to disconnect from the sensations of the body as this is the territory where emotion lives. I'm glad to hear this piece resonated with you.
Fantastic piece - thank you for sharing. I recently had EMDR therapy and it honestly changed my life. Your words ‘therapists are the midwives of our pain’ are a perfect representation.
EMDR has been so helpful for me and my clients! Often when my clients identify the negative cognition associated with the memory they begin to cry and there’s a shift for them- it’s often centered around shame. Thanks for sharing this- an important reminder to me as a therapist and human ☺️
Thanks for sharing your experiences Lindsey. I love how clients make their own self-discoveries during EMDR. It lands so powerfully when the realisation comes from the inside 😊
I highly recommend it Rich. EMDR has really been a game-changer as a therapist. It's such an intuitive process that allows both therapist and client to 'get out of the way' and allow the healing to unfold organically. Things change, often quickly, and people have beautiful new discoveries right before your eyes 😊
When you wrote about shame, and how we need to allow ourselves to feel the emotion that is the hardest one to face, the voice in my head that knows what I need urged me to pay attention. I was asked recently, after telling my mental health nurse my life story and all the things that have happened to me, and the ways I have hurt my own life, 'Have you forgiven yourself for all that?'.
I know I haven't. And there is more that she didn't hear about that also needs to be forgiven. The shame that has hung on me for my whole life is, I am sure, the deeper emotion that needs to be healed. Thank you for helping me find this clarity. Now the work can begin....
There is a deep truth in the need to be able and willing to feel in order to heal. We can't change anything unless we're able to fully acknowledge that it exists in the first place, and the Western mindset of numbing and medicating it away, so you can carry on being a productive member of society is so harmful to us all on so many levels.
And it's only getting worse. As we become more disconnected from our true nature, and from the natural world, being driven more and more into the slavery of technological and consumer addiction, feeling is becoming harder and harder. There is always something we can use to distract ourselves. I learned this the hard way when a plan to take January off Facebook laid bare the deep depression I had been hiding in plain sight for years. Reconnecting with the grief, trauma, pain and sadness I thought I had healed was hard, and still is, but I know that it's the only way I'll fully heal. And accepting that this is a life's work, that's even harder. There will always be more pain, more grief, more sadness, and remembering that it needs to be faced, not hidden from, is a daily challenge in a world that wants me to consume my way through it.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences here Esther. It sounds like you're on a deep healing journey. Our overly distracted world is hugely problematic for our mental health, as you say. Sending you love as you navigate your way through what needs to be felt ❤
The line about being angry when you really need to cry struck me deeply. Crying was frowned upon growing up and so anger is my weapon of choice but often it only hurts me which adds to the hurt that was already there. I don’t cry easily but when I do it feels like utter release afterwards. Thanks for this really honest piece… it’s given me a lot of food for thought
Thanks for your thoughtful reflections Alana. I often have the opposite experience - crying when actually I am angry. It makes it very hard to set boundaries with others in a way that is clear and effective! I think for a long time, crying was my default emotional response. It's taken a long time to expand my emotional range (and is an ongoing work in progress, like so many things...)
I’m absolutely with you on the route out of depression being through the feelings we’ve avoided and agree that the key is to get to the deepest layers. Sadly I think we often don’t get to those layers and so all the talking we do about the surface feelings can make us feel worse. What you said about us looking for the feeling behind the feeling is such an important piece of the puzzle and I wish more people knew this.
This resonates deeply with my own experience, Vicki. When I sit down to meditate each evening - before I can even get to the actual meditation - I ask myself what am I actually feeling here (because I'm pretty much always anxious in the evening). Only when I dig deep enough into it, identify something at the core, and allow myself to go straight into that does it start to soften. This "thing at the core" is never the surface situation or first thing that comes to mind. And it's usually something I've subconsciously been trying to avoid feeling or facing.
Thanks for sharing your experience Dana - yes, the thing at the surface is so often not the thing! Although this piece focuses on depression, I think it's very true for anxiety too. And I love that you're adding meditation into the conversation, that can be such a useful path to finding what's at the core
I didn’t have a good experience with EMDR and as someone who has MDD the only thing that helps me climb out of a valley is allowing me to naturally be at a place to climb out which is to allow it to process and no amount of positivity will make it happen quicker. In my experience if positivity is flung at me when I’m in a valley is toxic positivity which only angers me
Yes - I so agree that positivity does not move things faster. And toxic positivity really angers me too! It sounds like you're finding what works for you, which is great to hear
Exactly because I know what works for me and I don’t listen to anyone else unless I feel what they say is valuable but most of the time they have no idea what they are talking about..
I completely agree that the way out is through. It seems so simple, so obvious and yet when it comes to feelings that we resist a whole complex game starts to take place to avoid the whole thing. It is the game that is depressing in the end because it goes no where. Just kleenex box after kleenex box. Thanks for this thoughtful piece.
Yes, so true. I'm glad to hear it resonated with you Stephanie
Thank you for this, Dr. Connop.
The line - “We often think of depression and sadness as the same thing, but they’re not. Depression is what happens when we don’t fully feel our sadness, our pain. “
🙌🏻 yes yes yes. There is such a misconception that a depressed person feels things too deeply - too much. When in fact, it’s the opposite. They aren’t fully sinking into the full range of emotions or feelings.
This essay should be required reading!
Thank you 🙏🏼
Thanks so much Allison, I'm glad to hear it resonates so strongly with you and appreciate you sharing it 🙏
Hello Dr. Connop. I lost about 8 years of my life to depression, but think I have it beat now. It came during the time after I transitioned out of the military and I was no longer working at an incredibly high ops tempo (busy) due to Operation Enduring Freedom (Afghanistan) and Operation Iraqi Freedom (Iraq) in the 2000s. The military gave me all of my life opportunities, so I am, IN NO WAY, bashing on that. I actually count joining the USAF as one of the best decisions of my life; finding my significant other was my other best decision. :)
It was the slower, down time AFTER I transitioned out of my Air Force that the major depressive disorder came. I am hoping maybe THAT counts as the sitting with it? Lol. Part of my ongoing (self-prescribed) treatment is to keep busy by helping others. That helps me a lot and has done so for the last 6 years, so will keep that up. Helping others gives me energy and keeps me moving and prevents me from falling into the well.
In conclusion, I am a little opposite in your recommendation, perhaps, in that I don't want to revisit sad memories anymore. I hope this is okay. I guess I will find out as life goes on.
Thank you for the advice and invitation for us to talk.
Okay @Mmerikani, enough sharing of private feelings to the public this week, lol.
Onward and upward! :)
Thanks for sharing your experiences Mmerikani and I'm so glad you have found something that works for you. Of course there is no one-size-fits-all. I wish you well on your journey.
I have found this to be so true in my own life! It is only by feeling my feelings that I’ve emerged from years of chronic depression and alcoholism. When I feel that dark cloud moving in, I know now to catch it early and let it move through me without suppressing it or distracting myself. Feelings just want to be felt!
Thanks for sharing that Jennifer, I'm glad to hear it resonated. If only our culture wasn't so afraid of the darker feelings!
I was depressed most of my adult life. Starting training to be therapist changed that. Weekly therapy sessions cut through my masking, my coping mechanisms and BS. I went deep and worked with what was actually going on with my child hood wounding. One of my biggest regrets is having to stop that process due to finances and illness. I know there is so much more to explore. I am not depressed anymore though and that has been priceless.
That is so great to hear Elly, but yes, sad that therapy is still financially inaccessible for many who can benefit from it.
I love EMDR, and it has been such a catalytic and empowering experience for me in reframing these painful points in my history. In one of my sessions, I was able to create a visual lifeline for myself. In another, I watched my father turn into a caged tiger before regressing into a scared little boy. It was only through EMDR and somatic work that I was able to tap into feelings within my body, a journey I'm still navigating, but it gave me a means of making it happen.
And now in my personal diet recovery work, sitting with those uncomfortable feelings is the way through the discomfort. The reason dieting is so powerful for some people is that some of us are trying so desperately not to feel, and dieting gives us this sense of control over ourselves that feels very satisfying (at least in the beginning before our bodies begin to rebel).
Thanks for sharing your experiences Kristi. I'm often amazed by the journeys people go on with EMDR. And I fully agree about the links between dieting and trying not to feel. People tend to disconnect from the sensations of the body as this is the territory where emotion lives. I'm glad to hear this piece resonated with you.
Fantastic piece - thank you for sharing. I recently had EMDR therapy and it honestly changed my life. Your words ‘therapists are the midwives of our pain’ are a perfect representation.
Thank you Janine and yes, EMDR seems to create powerful and lasting shifts for many people. That's great to hear ❤️
Like this writing a great deal 😇
Thank you Vanessa, great to have you here 😊
EMDR has been so helpful for me and my clients! Often when my clients identify the negative cognition associated with the memory they begin to cry and there’s a shift for them- it’s often centered around shame. Thanks for sharing this- an important reminder to me as a therapist and human ☺️
Thanks for sharing your experiences Lindsey. I love how clients make their own self-discoveries during EMDR. It lands so powerfully when the realisation comes from the inside 😊
Great post, Vicki. I'm definitely interested in EMDR as a tool for getting through to "gnarly" emotions that may be hidden from ourselves.
I highly recommend it Rich. EMDR has really been a game-changer as a therapist. It's such an intuitive process that allows both therapist and client to 'get out of the way' and allow the healing to unfold organically. Things change, often quickly, and people have beautiful new discoveries right before your eyes 😊
It sounds amazing! and I'm hoping to learn a lot more about it over the coming years.
When you wrote about shame, and how we need to allow ourselves to feel the emotion that is the hardest one to face, the voice in my head that knows what I need urged me to pay attention. I was asked recently, after telling my mental health nurse my life story and all the things that have happened to me, and the ways I have hurt my own life, 'Have you forgiven yourself for all that?'.
I know I haven't. And there is more that she didn't hear about that also needs to be forgiven. The shame that has hung on me for my whole life is, I am sure, the deeper emotion that needs to be healed. Thank you for helping me find this clarity. Now the work can begin....
I'm so glad to hear my words helped you find that clarity Self-forgiveness is a biggie and one we often need to return to over and over ❤
Oh my. This reached deeply into my being.
There is a deep truth in the need to be able and willing to feel in order to heal. We can't change anything unless we're able to fully acknowledge that it exists in the first place, and the Western mindset of numbing and medicating it away, so you can carry on being a productive member of society is so harmful to us all on so many levels.
And it's only getting worse. As we become more disconnected from our true nature, and from the natural world, being driven more and more into the slavery of technological and consumer addiction, feeling is becoming harder and harder. There is always something we can use to distract ourselves. I learned this the hard way when a plan to take January off Facebook laid bare the deep depression I had been hiding in plain sight for years. Reconnecting with the grief, trauma, pain and sadness I thought I had healed was hard, and still is, but I know that it's the only way I'll fully heal. And accepting that this is a life's work, that's even harder. There will always be more pain, more grief, more sadness, and remembering that it needs to be faced, not hidden from, is a daily challenge in a world that wants me to consume my way through it.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences here Esther. It sounds like you're on a deep healing journey. Our overly distracted world is hugely problematic for our mental health, as you say. Sending you love as you navigate your way through what needs to be felt ❤
The line about being angry when you really need to cry struck me deeply. Crying was frowned upon growing up and so anger is my weapon of choice but often it only hurts me which adds to the hurt that was already there. I don’t cry easily but when I do it feels like utter release afterwards. Thanks for this really honest piece… it’s given me a lot of food for thought
Thanks for your thoughtful reflections Alana. I often have the opposite experience - crying when actually I am angry. It makes it very hard to set boundaries with others in a way that is clear and effective! I think for a long time, crying was my default emotional response. It's taken a long time to expand my emotional range (and is an ongoing work in progress, like so many things...)
I’m absolutely with you on the route out of depression being through the feelings we’ve avoided and agree that the key is to get to the deepest layers. Sadly I think we often don’t get to those layers and so all the talking we do about the surface feelings can make us feel worse. What you said about us looking for the feeling behind the feeling is such an important piece of the puzzle and I wish more people knew this.
Thanks Natalie. Yes, I fully agree, more people need to know this. We are often searching for answers in all the wrong places...