What you have written is something I know, feel in my bones and is the core of the art of the therapy practice , but you wrote in such a powerfully succinct way it reminds me and resonates with me all over again. Hope this is okay to use in supervision with the therapists in my organization. It’s one of the great fundamental agreements of the field: willingness (and ability) to hold a healing space!
Thank you for this great post. For me it’s about developing a tolerance for the horrified anxiety towards my own and others’ distress and our respective processes of getting lost and found…
I don’t think we ever really know, we just try stuff out!
Something I engage in daily - holding space for behaviorally-challenged or non-speaking students with a disability in elementary aged children. When they are acting out because they can't verbalize what they need, it is like hitting a pause button and slowing way down and simply acknowledging their frustrations, labeling it for them and waiting for them to de-escalate so restoration can begin. It is absolutely a skill or a gift to be able to slow down enough to do this for my students. I'm not always successful. But I'm patient, loving and calm with myself and the kids. Those are my great gifts. XO
Thanks Emma 😊 Yes, I like that image of treading water too - we are always in such a rush to get somewhere in our culture, instead of just pausing and being in the moment…
Beautifully said! When I life coach and provide soul care holding space, in the way you describe it, is everything! In coaching, for instance, a person is WAY more likely to be empowered to take action when the answer, idea, etc. comes from them. We are each our own greatest teacher! That said, there is also the "mysterious alchemy" that happens when a person explores something with a therapist/coach/partner/etc. It really is magical! 🫶🏽
Vicki that's beautiful - the truth of it shone through - not least because of your awesome gift with words - a therapist AND an amazing communicator - wow!
Vicki, Presence is such a gift and so needed, yet it is counterintuitive for most people. Thank you for explaining it so clearly, and why our go-to approaches often fall short of what's required.
Thank you. I am working on being here in this way. Every word less offered with full presence feels like a great accomplishment. It is amazing to connect with another person like this.
I love this so much Vicky. What a beautiful way to explain the mysterious alchemy of authentically being with someone during a process of change. Too, too often, and increasingly so, many of my colleagues in the field of behaviour change are focussed on what is being said at the expense of deep listening and authentic being.
Thanks so much Paul. Yes I agree, I think we probably all fall into those traps sometimes (I know I do), but it's good to keep reminding ourselves, that is not where the magic happens 😊
Such valuable reflections, love this “Honest, deep, vulnerable communication closes down when we jump in, over-talk, think we know, get lost in our heads, or jump three steps ahead of where the other person is at.”
Heartfelt thanks for this excellent reminder for my brain ! Just last night during the night I had it “all figured out “ what a beloved needed to do ! Ha - there I went again . Your discussion was so clear and beautifully gentle yet strong and it has given me some hearty, healthy thinking habits to ponder . A good way to start my week 🙏🏼
I can think of so many times in the past when I've been furious that a friend or family member hasn't taken my advice, but I had no idea I was trying to bury my own anxiety. It's taking a lot of work, time and patience (with myself) to understand and reprogramme my habitual responses 🙂 Karen
Thanks for sharing that Karen. It’s so interesting how it makes showing up for others much easier, when we hand over responsibility for the actions and outcome of their situation. It’s taken many years of practice for me too, and is an ongoing work in progress!
I find both my client and I struggle with this during the first few sessions. They are seeking answers and relief immediately while I want to “prove” I’m a good fit for them 🤪 when really, this is when the slowing down and attuning is most important. This reminder is so important for me in all areas of my life! Be a listener and not a fixer.
I love this essay, Vicki. Such a needed message and beautiful place of practice. I think I need (and want) to apply this wisdom to my self-talk and inner world, too.
What you have written is something I know, feel in my bones and is the core of the art of the therapy practice , but you wrote in such a powerfully succinct way it reminds me and resonates with me all over again. Hope this is okay to use in supervision with the therapists in my organization. It’s one of the great fundamental agreements of the field: willingness (and ability) to hold a healing space!
Thanks so much for your comments Lisa, and yes, I'd be honoured for you to use it in supervision 😀
Thank you for this great post. For me it’s about developing a tolerance for the horrified anxiety towards my own and others’ distress and our respective processes of getting lost and found…
I don’t think we ever really know, we just try stuff out!
Yes, that's a great way of putting it Ursula - a tolerance for the horrified anxiety towards our own and others' distress - that's it in a nutshell!
Beautiful!
Something I engage in daily - holding space for behaviorally-challenged or non-speaking students with a disability in elementary aged children. When they are acting out because they can't verbalize what they need, it is like hitting a pause button and slowing way down and simply acknowledging their frustrations, labeling it for them and waiting for them to de-escalate so restoration can begin. It is absolutely a skill or a gift to be able to slow down enough to do this for my students. I'm not always successful. But I'm patient, loving and calm with myself and the kids. Those are my great gifts. XO
What a beautiful gift for those kids Danielle. Such important work 😊
I love the image of treading water alongside them. Suggests connection and compassion (“I will tread this and endure with you”). Goosebumps.
Thanks Emma 😊 Yes, I like that image of treading water too - we are always in such a rush to get somewhere in our culture, instead of just pausing and being in the moment…
Beautifully said! When I life coach and provide soul care holding space, in the way you describe it, is everything! In coaching, for instance, a person is WAY more likely to be empowered to take action when the answer, idea, etc. comes from them. We are each our own greatest teacher! That said, there is also the "mysterious alchemy" that happens when a person explores something with a therapist/coach/partner/etc. It really is magical! 🫶🏽
Thanks Lang. Yes! After all these years, the magic continues to amaze me at times 😊
This is a great piece. Thank you for sharing. Really lines up with what I’ve been working and writing about to. Restack.
Thank you so much for your comments and for sharing this piece. Much appreciated 🙏
Vicki that's beautiful - the truth of it shone through - not least because of your awesome gift with words - a therapist AND an amazing communicator - wow!
Aw, thank you so much Catherine, that is really lovely feedback to hear. You've made my morning 😊🙏
Vicki, Presence is such a gift and so needed, yet it is counterintuitive for most people. Thank you for explaining it so clearly, and why our go-to approaches often fall short of what's required.
Thanks Sandra. Yes, it definitely goes against the grain of Westernised culture (sadly)!
Thank you. I am working on being here in this way. Every word less offered with full presence feels like a great accomplishment. It is amazing to connect with another person like this.
Yes, so amazing! It really creates a deeper form of intimacy. Thanks so much for commenting Danni.
I love this so much Vicky. What a beautiful way to explain the mysterious alchemy of authentically being with someone during a process of change. Too, too often, and increasingly so, many of my colleagues in the field of behaviour change are focussed on what is being said at the expense of deep listening and authentic being.
Thanks so much Paul. Yes I agree, I think we probably all fall into those traps sometimes (I know I do), but it's good to keep reminding ourselves, that is not where the magic happens 😊
Such a beautiful reminder.
Thanks so much Kaitlyn 😊
Such valuable reflections, love this “Honest, deep, vulnerable communication closes down when we jump in, over-talk, think we know, get lost in our heads, or jump three steps ahead of where the other person is at.”
Thank you Lucy, it’s a reminder to myself as much as anyone 😀
Heartfelt thanks for this excellent reminder for my brain ! Just last night during the night I had it “all figured out “ what a beloved needed to do ! Ha - there I went again . Your discussion was so clear and beautifully gentle yet strong and it has given me some hearty, healthy thinking habits to ponder . A good way to start my week 🙏🏼
That’s fabulous to hear Karen, I’m glad it was helpful. And I need these reminders too, as much as anyone!
I can think of so many times in the past when I've been furious that a friend or family member hasn't taken my advice, but I had no idea I was trying to bury my own anxiety. It's taking a lot of work, time and patience (with myself) to understand and reprogramme my habitual responses 🙂 Karen
Thanks for sharing that Karen. It’s so interesting how it makes showing up for others much easier, when we hand over responsibility for the actions and outcome of their situation. It’s taken many years of practice for me too, and is an ongoing work in progress!
I find both my client and I struggle with this during the first few sessions. They are seeking answers and relief immediately while I want to “prove” I’m a good fit for them 🤪 when really, this is when the slowing down and attuning is most important. This reminder is so important for me in all areas of my life! Be a listener and not a fixer.
Yes! Absolutely. It’s an urge I constantly need to pull back from too .😀
I love this essay, Vicki. Such a needed message and beautiful place of practice. I think I need (and want) to apply this wisdom to my self-talk and inner world, too.
Oh thank you for adding that Dana - yes, so important to try to hold space for ourselves too! Interesting that I forgot to add that 🙃