Growing up in the US in the 80s sex Ed was also garbage. They split the boys from the girls, we watched the Miracle of Life, and I don't remember anything else. When I got my period, I had no idea what was happening. My mom was no help either. I figured out sex trial by fire. What I wish we had most was a talk of consent and as you wrote, knowing our body's yes's and no's. I suffered through a lot of bad sex until my current partner. If I had found my voice earlier, it could have been very different.
“Pleasure is the measure”. In the 80s in the mid-west I knew girls who thought you couldn’t get pregnant if you didn’t enjoy it. They seemed to see that as a green light to please their boyfriends.
Only if you want to stay a ‘good girl’. Of course its catch-22 that all girls who get pregnant are therefore ‘bad’ girls - there were 12 pregnant girls in our senior class. It was a rural community, as one classmate told me: “There are two pharmacies in town and the pharmacists both go to church with my parents, so no way can I going to go to them for condoms”.
Loved this one. Embodiment is so the term. I work on this a lot with clients and they are often surprised that “it,” whatever it may be, is within them.
My sex education was similar to what you describe, although I will add my mother was the school nurse so she was willing to talk about it openly, but as she herself had a teenage pregnancy, she also transmitted so much fear, in addition to the practicalities.
I have a 4.5 year old now and I’ve already started thinking of how I’d talk with him about sex. I’ve thought about framing it around the parameters of safe, consensual, playful, and communicative, and I certainly want to add your contribution of embodiment to the mix. I know I was personally so overwhelmed by the morality and risk of it that I didn’t tap into, for a long time, the embodiment of it all. It was as if something out there—right v wrong, the other person’s pleasure or certainty—that held the answers, rather than realizing I had the answers within me.
Yes - that's exactly it - the idea that the answers and decisions lie outside of ourselves. Such a common experience and so problematic. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Kaitlyn, and so great that you are already thinking about this with your 4 year old 😀
I LOVE this post SO much! Thank you. I totally, fully, and wholeheartedly concur. When I started loving myself and my own body and tuning into me, sex became phenomenal!! Thank you for sharing this. XO
I can relate to all of this! Plus I had the added bonus of growing up in the church with #purityculture 🤢 It’s unfortunate that it has taken me this long (I’m in my 40s now) to learn how to get out of my brain and into my body. However, I am so happy that I am learning it! Thank you for so eloquently describing the process.
Thanks for your comments Rachel, and sadly I don't think it's uncommon to be learning this in your 40s (and beyond), I would say that was largely the case for me too!
Wow, Vicki. This is wonderfully written and such an important, needed message. Whether we’re talking about sex or anything else, the collective disconnect from our bodies is a profound loss. For me, it’s fed by being online: our bodies only exist in our minds in these internet realms. The more time online, the more disconnect from heart, soul, breath, and bones.
Wow. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Oh the dreaded sex talk, aka being groomed in my case. I had so much childhood trauma around sex that I became so confused and didn’t know good from bad or right from wrong. I love how you spoke of beginning with Embodiment. I am still redefining and rewiring from so many years of sexual abuse. Embodiment, learning what is my yes and what is my no, is my continued practice. Pleasurable, connected intimacy, mindful (& body-full) sex, has continued to replace mindless & disconnected sex as I strive to heal and remain “in my body” as I continue to discover my likes and dislikes, even at 60 years old. I have had a most wonderful opportunity with my children and grandchildren to give better than I got. I am happy to openly and honestly discuss the merits of the good that comes with a satisfying sex life and true intimacy. Thanks for your excellent perspective. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your experiences CarrieLynn. You are definitely not alone in still grappling with this stuff in mid-life and beyond. I'm so glad you got to pass on something different to your children and grandchildren ❤
A wonderful summation, Vicki! Back in the day (late 70s, early 80s), abstinence was what they were pushing. Sex Education started while I was in 10th grade - I thought it was a good idea. Our teacher, the Gym teacher, had a great way to get us involved - we would all drop anonymous, sex related questions into a hat and he would answer them. This was great because there was no fear of embarrassment with classmates! A true fear, at that!!! As a male, it was probably easier for me - but still very uncomfortable and unnerving. But that's how we learned about sex, how we learned about life...
Your teacher sounds like he was ahead of his time Stuart! I don't recall any safe spaces to ask those questions - which meant relying on your peers for information or the advice columns of teen magazines...
I think he was just as uncomfortable as we were. When it came to Q & A time there were never any Q's! He got plenty of anonymous questions and we got some "Gym Teacher" answers - it's not like they gave him a teachers guide... We were lucky!
No sex Ed where I grew up in the 70s in rural Austria. Anything to do with body and sex was associated with shame, even seeing a couple touch or kiss would make me uncomfortably shameful and guilty for feeling curious, the unspoken message was: don't look, it's dirty... contrary to the peer pressure in the later teens, where I still had no clue how to navigate my bodies menstruation cycle and any kind of arousal ... I feel so sad for the younger me now.
My wishlist: supported peer-conversations on trusting your body, communicating boundaries, consent etc...
Thanks for your post, even now, in my fifties I am still hungry for open and honest sharing about our experiences with sexuality.
This is a beautifully written post- tho’ both sad and reassuring it’s such a common experience.
What is the gender mix of people coming to your therapy? Is this something young men experience too, or do they grow up feeling much more satisfied in their early sexual experiences, and more connected to their body? You’ve sparked my curiosity!
I tend to see far more young women in my practice. But my partner works a lot of with young guys and tells me that they are equally confused around sexuality. I am often quite horrified by the stories I hear of parties and experiences that, in hindsight, don't feel fully consensual. I think there's a huge grey area outside of what we would clearly define as 'abuse' or 'assault' and it seems to be damaging for all genders....
Hi Vicki, Thanks for that enlightening sexuality post. I could not help but be reminded again and again of the first volume of my autobiography which is about discovering my sexuality at age four and having no idea what to with it. If you're up for it, I'll send you a digital copy. I have lived in France for most of my life - by choice. The book is called "Unmitigated Gaul". It's funny and touching and got great reviews. Volume 2 is underway. I'd send you the cover, but I don't see how to do that w comments. Hope you are enjoying your Sunday. Mine is almost over. Cheers, Suzanne White
Growing up in the US in the 80s sex Ed was also garbage. They split the boys from the girls, we watched the Miracle of Life, and I don't remember anything else. When I got my period, I had no idea what was happening. My mom was no help either. I figured out sex trial by fire. What I wish we had most was a talk of consent and as you wrote, knowing our body's yes's and no's. I suffered through a lot of bad sex until my current partner. If I had found my voice earlier, it could have been very different.
Thanks for sharing your experiences Janine. It's so sad that this is so many people's experience.
“Pleasure is the measure”. In the 80s in the mid-west I knew girls who thought you couldn’t get pregnant if you didn’t enjoy it. They seemed to see that as a green light to please their boyfriends.
Oh gosh, that says it all... girls literally being taught NOT to enjoy sex!!! 😌
Only if you want to stay a ‘good girl’. Of course its catch-22 that all girls who get pregnant are therefore ‘bad’ girls - there were 12 pregnant girls in our senior class. It was a rural community, as one classmate told me: “There are two pharmacies in town and the pharmacists both go to church with my parents, so no way can I going to go to them for condoms”.
Ugh that is so very sad Michelle...
Loved this one. Embodiment is so the term. I work on this a lot with clients and they are often surprised that “it,” whatever it may be, is within them.
My sex education was similar to what you describe, although I will add my mother was the school nurse so she was willing to talk about it openly, but as she herself had a teenage pregnancy, she also transmitted so much fear, in addition to the practicalities.
I have a 4.5 year old now and I’ve already started thinking of how I’d talk with him about sex. I’ve thought about framing it around the parameters of safe, consensual, playful, and communicative, and I certainly want to add your contribution of embodiment to the mix. I know I was personally so overwhelmed by the morality and risk of it that I didn’t tap into, for a long time, the embodiment of it all. It was as if something out there—right v wrong, the other person’s pleasure or certainty—that held the answers, rather than realizing I had the answers within me.
Yes - that's exactly it - the idea that the answers and decisions lie outside of ourselves. Such a common experience and so problematic. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Kaitlyn, and so great that you are already thinking about this with your 4 year old 😀
I LOVE this post SO much! Thank you. I totally, fully, and wholeheartedly concur. When I started loving myself and my own body and tuning into me, sex became phenomenal!! Thank you for sharing this. XO
Thanks Danielle, and yay for the phenomenal sex 😀👌
Yay, indeed!!
I can relate to all of this! Plus I had the added bonus of growing up in the church with #purityculture 🤢 It’s unfortunate that it has taken me this long (I’m in my 40s now) to learn how to get out of my brain and into my body. However, I am so happy that I am learning it! Thank you for so eloquently describing the process.
Thanks for your comments Rachel, and sadly I don't think it's uncommon to be learning this in your 40s (and beyond), I would say that was largely the case for me too!
Wow, Vicki. This is wonderfully written and such an important, needed message. Whether we’re talking about sex or anything else, the collective disconnect from our bodies is a profound loss. For me, it’s fed by being online: our bodies only exist in our minds in these internet realms. The more time online, the more disconnect from heart, soul, breath, and bones.
Yes, I 100% agree Dana (and here we are spending so much time on Substack.... 🙃🤔)
Wow. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Oh the dreaded sex talk, aka being groomed in my case. I had so much childhood trauma around sex that I became so confused and didn’t know good from bad or right from wrong. I love how you spoke of beginning with Embodiment. I am still redefining and rewiring from so many years of sexual abuse. Embodiment, learning what is my yes and what is my no, is my continued practice. Pleasurable, connected intimacy, mindful (& body-full) sex, has continued to replace mindless & disconnected sex as I strive to heal and remain “in my body” as I continue to discover my likes and dislikes, even at 60 years old. I have had a most wonderful opportunity with my children and grandchildren to give better than I got. I am happy to openly and honestly discuss the merits of the good that comes with a satisfying sex life and true intimacy. Thanks for your excellent perspective. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your experiences CarrieLynn. You are definitely not alone in still grappling with this stuff in mid-life and beyond. I'm so glad you got to pass on something different to your children and grandchildren ❤
A wonderful summation, Vicki! Back in the day (late 70s, early 80s), abstinence was what they were pushing. Sex Education started while I was in 10th grade - I thought it was a good idea. Our teacher, the Gym teacher, had a great way to get us involved - we would all drop anonymous, sex related questions into a hat and he would answer them. This was great because there was no fear of embarrassment with classmates! A true fear, at that!!! As a male, it was probably easier for me - but still very uncomfortable and unnerving. But that's how we learned about sex, how we learned about life...
Your teacher sounds like he was ahead of his time Stuart! I don't recall any safe spaces to ask those questions - which meant relying on your peers for information or the advice columns of teen magazines...
I think he was just as uncomfortable as we were. When it came to Q & A time there were never any Q's! He got plenty of anonymous questions and we got some "Gym Teacher" answers - it's not like they gave him a teachers guide... We were lucky!
Beautifully written and so wise. Well done Vicki.
Thank you Amber 😊
Yes, I am fully with you on that one.
No sex Ed where I grew up in the 70s in rural Austria. Anything to do with body and sex was associated with shame, even seeing a couple touch or kiss would make me uncomfortably shameful and guilty for feeling curious, the unspoken message was: don't look, it's dirty... contrary to the peer pressure in the later teens, where I still had no clue how to navigate my bodies menstruation cycle and any kind of arousal ... I feel so sad for the younger me now.
My wishlist: supported peer-conversations on trusting your body, communicating boundaries, consent etc...
Thanks for your post, even now, in my fifties I am still hungry for open and honest sharing about our experiences with sexuality.
Thanks for sharing your experiences Ingrid - and yes, that's so true, even now at midlife those conversations can still be lacking!
Great writing ✍️
Thank you Teresa 🙏
Mmmmmm....thank you. Thank you. Such medicine.
Thank you Sarah 😊
This is a beautifully written post- tho’ both sad and reassuring it’s such a common experience.
What is the gender mix of people coming to your therapy? Is this something young men experience too, or do they grow up feeling much more satisfied in their early sexual experiences, and more connected to their body? You’ve sparked my curiosity!
I tend to see far more young women in my practice. But my partner works a lot of with young guys and tells me that they are equally confused around sexuality. I am often quite horrified by the stories I hear of parties and experiences that, in hindsight, don't feel fully consensual. I think there's a huge grey area outside of what we would clearly define as 'abuse' or 'assault' and it seems to be damaging for all genders....
What a beautiful piece of writing, so succinct, and so important 🙏🏽
Thank you Lucy 🙏
Hi Vicki, Thanks for that enlightening sexuality post. I could not help but be reminded again and again of the first volume of my autobiography which is about discovering my sexuality at age four and having no idea what to with it. If you're up for it, I'll send you a digital copy. I have lived in France for most of my life - by choice. The book is called "Unmitigated Gaul". It's funny and touching and got great reviews. Volume 2 is underway. I'd send you the cover, but I don't see how to do that w comments. Hope you are enjoying your Sunday. Mine is almost over. Cheers, Suzanne White
Thanks Suzanne. That sounds intriguing. You can probably send it via a DM on Substack?
P.S. it's Monday morning already here in New Zealand 🙃
Dr Connor. I haven’t forgotten about you. Been sorting some computer problems which n’a take a few days more. Thanks for your patience. SW