In case you thought I sounded wise about relationships in my last post, I really should fill you in on some of my dating history. I can assure you that any wisdom I have acquired was hard-earned, often as a result of excruciating mistakes made along the way. Let’s face it, mistakes are surely our most potent teachers.
I’m sharing this because I see many of my clients who are in the dating world falling into similar traps, especially younger women. So, this is the loving advice I wish I could go back and give to my younger self.
Would she have listened? Who can say.
Let’s start with my most powerful learning which was…
People can only treat you as badly as you let them
There are obvious exceptions to this when power differentials are in play or consent is blatantly overridden, but we are talking about the dating world here. When we allow someone to overstep our boundaries, to treat us in ways that do not feel OK, with no consequences, we set the bar for our own treatment. We signal to that person consciously and unconsciously how we are willing to be treated and what we are prepared to tolerate. This is a harsh truth I learned in my early 30s from someone I allowed to over-step my boundaries time and time again. I was in love and thought that was enough. It wasn’t. Which leads me to my next point…
You can love someone and walk away
I’ve lost count of how many times I hear people justify staying with someone who is causing them pain with the words ‘but I love him’ (or her, or them). We can feel strong attraction and attachment to someone but still make the wise choice to step away from a dynamic that is not serving us. We can see the unrealised potential in someone and still choose to save ourselves rather than go down with their ship. We can love ourselves first.
Self-worth is key
We tend to attract what we believe we deserve – not by some mystical law of attraction, but simply because we will put up with too much if we do not fundamentally believe we deserve better. When we have self-worth, we trust that we have something valuable to offer, we know that the other person is lucky to have us in their life (and vice versa) and we act accordingly. If you’re not sure how to go about salvaging fragile self-worth, therapy is a good place to start – it often helps to unpack and understand the reasons we have learned not to believe in ourselves.
Focus more on whether you like them than whether they like you
This is a fundamental mistake I think many people make in the dating world and it gives all our agency away. We spend so much time and energy worrying about how we are coming across, whether we’re making the right impression, and whether the other person is into us, that we forget the more important task of evaluating whether we really like them. Imagine that dates are like a job interview. We should be in the role of interviewer first and foremost, rather than interviewee. Our task is to figure out whether we want to spend a huge amount of our time and resources investing in this person – it’s not the kind of job where just anyone will do.
People tell you who they are when you meet them
There are all sorts of clues and signals being exchanged from your very first interaction with someone new. It’s wise to read the writing on the wall and we ignore the red flags at our own peril. I recall a friend telling me about a guy she had met, where several months in, they only ever met at her place and he never invited her to his place. It turned out he was married. I once had a partner who cried over his ex-wife the first time we were intimate. It turned out I was the rebound fling. These are obvious examples (though apparently not obvious enough for either me or my friend at the time), but the signals can be much more subtle. Do they only ever talk about themselves and never ask questions about you? Perhaps they are somewhat self-absorbed. Does the texting trail run hot and cold? Perhaps they are juggling a number of other prospects. Do they have plans to leave the country? Perhaps they are not looking to commit.
Intense attraction can be trauma bonding
This is a biggie and I think we need to re-write our whole cultural narrative around falling in love. Where we feel the most intense attraction – what we tend to call ‘chemistry’ – does not always indicate true love, but can sometimes be a huge red flag in itself. The most intense magnetic attraction can often be a clue that this person’s deepest attachment wounds are clicking with your own in a very familiar and potentially pathological way. It can feel incredibly compelling, but it’s not necessarily a recipe for future happiness. It may be a signal that you are re-enacting an old script, which might include hurt or abandonment. The long-burning and solid loves often have a gentler, more grounded start.
Don’t blame your loved one for your unhappiness.
You are responsible for you, and you are the only one who can find your path to happiness, another person cannot give you this, no matter how attractive or cool or interesting they may be. And don’t assume responsibility for your partner’s happiness either, they need to figure out their own path.
If you find a real soulmate, don’t throw it away
Sometimes we can walk away too readily from something where we’re struggling, rather than staying and doing the necessary work to grow ourselves and the relationship. We might fall into the trap of assuming it’s meant to be easy and end up leaving in search of something better when the initial glow of romance starts to wane. We may assume it will be easy to find love again. I made that mistake once in my 20s. Now that I have been lucky enough to get another chance, I hope I won’t make that mistake again.
Have the difficult conversations
Speak your needs, have the difficult conversation, ask the questions. Even the ones you don’t want to hear the answers to. Especially the ones you don’t want to hear the answers to.
And lastly….
If someone wants to leave, let them
They were never right for you. Don’t waste your time and energy trying to win them back. You deserve someone who 100% wants to be there and knows what they have. Let them go, take time to grieve, tend to your wounds, and then move forwards. If someone is leaving, trust me, they are not for you.
From the vantage point of where I am now, I look back and see that all the relationships that did not work out were ultimately stepping stones and learning experiences en route towards something else. When you’re in the midst of it, it’s hard to see, but if we zoom out to a meta-perspective, your life has an arc, a path that is leading towards things you cannot yet see or know. Finding trust in that can help us navigate the inevitable plot twists and disappointments along the road.
Aboriginal Australian poet Kirli Saunders puts this beautifully and simply in this excerpt from her poem Note to Self:
Welcome the strangers that love
And release the lovers that leave
That which is for you will find you
You need only give in and believe
Is there someone in your life who might need to hear these words today? Please take a moment to share this post.
And I’d love to hear what advice you would give to your younger self. Tell us in the comments below (if you’re reading this in an email, click through to the website to join the conversation).
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Very wise words, although I don't have the ups and downs of experience with loads of men to draw on. I met my husband at age 19, we married when I was 21 and we are still happily together 60 years later. But the importance of liking the man/woman/whatever in your life cannot be emphasised enough. It keeps you going through everything – sickness, health and pandemic lockdowns – because you enjoy each others' company. In my view, very few young people really know what love means because it needs to grow over the years. They can have liking, lust and much else besides and hopefully some glimmer of the love that is to come. It takes time and maturity to develop, like a fine wine.
I so wish I'd heard and taken these to heart long ago! I think even if I knew some of them intellectually, I didn't really "get" them until very recently (like the past few years, from age 45 on). "People can only treat you as badly as you let them" is probably the one my younger self most needed.