After two decades of serial monogamy and some painful breakups, interspersed with some lengthy solo stretches, I eventually found a relationship that has stuck around for a solid 13 years (and counting). My younger self might be surprised to learn that it’s possible to be happy after 13 years. I don’t have it all together by any stretch - my relationship has its share of twists and turns and bumps in the road, just like the next person’s. But I do feel like I’ve learned a few things about love along the way, and I’m doing it differently than I did in my 20s. I wish someone taught us this stuff in high school, instead of filling our heads with algebra and geography and leaving us to figure out the most important things the hard way. So I thought I’d share a few of my learnings (and I’d love to hear yours too).
Here's what 13 years in a committed partnership has taught me (so far)….
Good things can get better with time
I used to think that the honeymoon phase – the early days of dating and romance – was the best part of a relationship. These days I’ve changed my mind. Sure, the intensity and excitement of those early days can be heady and fun, but over time it can be replaced by something even better – the deep settledness and inner peace that comes from really knowing someone and being known. The trust that’s built over many years of making mistakes, navigating conflict, and coming back together. The dependability of someone who is not going to run for the hills at the first sign of trouble, someone who knows your rough edges and has seen you at your best and worst moments and still chooses to be by your side. These days I wouldn’t trade that for all the hot dates and nervous anticipation of the early days.
Generosity is gold
If there’s one word I would use to describe my partner, it’s generous. Sometimes to a fault - he can forget to voice his own needs at times - but over the years we’ve been together, I’ve come to think of generosity as synonymous with love. Generosity does not mean self-sacrifice, but more a willingness to give without immediate expectation of return. A capacity to hold the other person’s needs and wants with the same level of importance as your own – to want them to be happy, even when their happiness might sometimes conflict with your own. This, for me, feels like one of the holy grails of relationship.
Relationships need tending
It’s a cliché but, like most clichés, it contains more than a kernel of truth – relationships need work. A relationship is not a static entity, but rather an organic being like a tree or a garden that needs regular pruning, feeding and watering to allow it to breathe and grow. If we fail to feed it, it eventually withers and slowly dies. The sustenance of a relationship can take many forms, like quality time, listening, shared laughter, joint projects, caring gestures, cups of tea, gratitude, touch, intimacy and so much more. When we put energy in and feed the relationship, it flourishes and becomes a resource that we can draw from in return. If we don’t put anything in, there is no pool to draw from. Choose wisely where you spend your energy and make sure your relationship does not just receive the leftover crumbs.
Be each other’s biggest champion
Love is a verb, not a noun, and it is in the actions and ways we show up for each other that love’s language speaks loudest. In a good relationship, your partner is your number one supporter in life, and you are theirs, cheering each other on from the sidelines and being the first to celebrate the wins and the first to commiserate the losses (and the first to subscribe to your Substack newsletter). There is no room in a healthy relationship for teasing, mocking or put-downs. Your partner is first and foremost your teammate, your buddy, your partner-in-crime.
Navigating conflict is a skillset (which can be learned)
Where there are two (or more) people trying to live their lives in tandem, there will be inevitable difference and conflict. Figuring out how to navigate this territory well and knowing how to make a sincere apology or repair a rupture are essential relationship skills. This is something that often hasn’t been modelled for us, but we can learn on the job. Relationship researcher John Gottman teaches us that the four fatal wounds for relationships are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling - he famously calls them the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Part of my personal journey has been learning not to jump to defensiveness when my partner raises an issue. To listen, acknowledge the parts that are true, apologise and make change where needed, whilst simultaneously holding onto my self-worth and my own perspective, and not disappearing into a rabbit warren of shame and unworthiness.
Know thyself
We all carry attachment patterns and wounds from our early life experiences and our closest relationships tend to be where these patterns are re-activated the most intensely. The conflicts and stuck points with your partner are not just about your partner, but about the emotional history you each bring with you into the relationship. Understanding our own patterns and trigger points is a game-changer that allows us to begin to separate the present from the past and to stay more rooted in our adult selves.
I’ll write more on attachment patterns another day, but in the meantime, I seriously recommend that everyone consider some couple therapy along the way. In the midst of conflict or stuckness, it’s hard to see what belongs to you and what belongs to the other person. It’s incredibly valuable to have a third, neutral person in the room, who can see more clearly what belongs to whom and point you towards the parts you each need to work on. Almost everyone goes to couple therapy wanting to change their partner. If it’s successful, everyone comes out having changed themselves. My partner and I did some therapy about 7 years into our relationship – maybe it was that 7-year itch everyone speaks of. We weren’t in crisis, but just grappling with some stuck points. Many people come to couple therapy too late, as a last-ditch attempt to save a relationship in ruins. If you can do this earlier, while there’s still a lot of goodwill in the room, it can solidify your bond and tweak your styles of relating, setting you on a more positive course as you move forward.
There’s so much more to say on this subject and despite 20+ years in the field of psychology, I think I will always feel like a learner in this area. So, tell me – what would you add to this list? What have you learned along the way about love? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
Coming soon - Things I’ve learned about love Part 2 – Dating advice for my younger self.
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I am a songwriter and I am going to copy this post and subscribe to your Stack.
I promise I will borrow ideas for new songs.
The only thing I have now that is germane:
Two old lovers in a bind
Two old lovers
Heads in the sand
Each one wishing
the other'd understand
Two old lovers
in the same old scene
They fight over spilled milk
And throw away the cream
Two old lovers
Oh darling can't you see
That those two old lovers
Might be you and me
Two old lovers
Hesitant to speak
Their passions are strong
But their patience is weak
Two old lovers
Staring eye to eye
Don't want to blink
Sure don't want to cry
Two old lovers
Darling can't you see
That those two old lovers
They are you and me
Two young lovers
Oh we were fire and ice
Meeting in the middle
Used to be so nice
There got to be some brand new magic
I surely hope we can find
or otherwise honey we're just
two old lovers in a bind
Malcolm McKinney 2023
Love this and agree with so much of what you’ve written. So many people chase the high of the honeymoon period, but the love after that is deeper, more enduring.