After the past four years, my view of the world, governments, and others will never be the same. I support everyone’s choice for their own bodies, but my own choice was to not receive the injections. The censorship, brutal dehumanizing, traumatic collective shaming, and loss of protections and freedoms is...a lot. I’m a queer person and, prior to 2020, called myself “liberal.” That era and a certain innocence is over.
What’s currently happening in Gaza—and how no one with the power to stop it is doing so—takes this to a whole other level. I don’t trust the system, its narrative, or the mainstream media anymore. I also don’t trust that everyday people - acting out of fear - will do the kind, ethical thing towards others. Many will instead focus on saving themselves and preserving their comfort and the system that privileges them.
I truly believe in the goodness of people’s hearts. I am truly heartbroken at how many are choosing fear and comfort over love and what matters. I don’t know that I’ll recover from this. I also don’t think it’s over. (And I realize that even writing this carries risks and consequences.)
Thanks for sharing your experiences Dana. Trauma seems to breed more trauma. What's happening in Gaza seems, to my mind, very much a reenactment of unprocessed WWII trauma. This does not seem to be part of the conversation however. And yes, I think many are left feeling their trust in the world and in authority figures deeply wounded in the wake of recent years. I'm sorry to hear you've been so deeply impacted.
I'm an ER doc, so I had some pandemic trauma. I didn't lose any loved ones, but lost a lot of friendship. This sweeping under the rug you speak of is a big reason that I'm taking a leave of absence and very likely leaving the profession. I can't sweep it under the rug and carry on the cognitive and emotional dissonance is too much.
Thanks for sharing your experiences Amy, and sorry to hear it's driving you to leave your profession. The fall out is far-reaching in so many ways. Very sad.
I just read this - very powerful - it's pretty unimaginable to think what it must have been like - and I can see how it must be intolerable to be expected to 'sweep it under the rug' - wishing you whatever you need to heal from this.
Thank you for writing this Vicki. For me, the biggest trauma of those years was the ongoing struggle to get doctors to take me seriously about Long Covid. I ended up having to turn to alternative medicine and it opened my eyes to a whole different narrative. I have lost a great deal of faith in what we are told is good for us. Mostly because when I became sick I was told it was all in my mind. Classic gaslighting!
Thanks for sharing your experience Ali. I have heard this story from quite a few people. Seems medical science is finally starting to catch up with this (slowly). I hope you're finding a pathway back towards healing
I am a hospice caregiver. I love my work. However, during COVID I felt so many conflicting emotions and had to daily externalize my thought processes and spiritual truth to stay sane. I look back and think “we lost our damn minds!” Mostly, was the blur of boundaries between my work and personal life. The continual barrage of fear, specifically the fear of being “careless” in my personal life might mean infecting an already suffering hospice patient. It was such a mind and heart numbing time for us!! Like, for real. Day drinking was real y’all! For the very first time in a while I had a moment of clarity with regard to that time. I was discussing a radiation isolation recap with my current patient’s husband. We were talking about what worked and what could work better for the next three treatments his wife will undergo. Mid sentence, the memory of the “feeling” of Covid time isolation came in like a wave washing over me. I looked the husband in the eye and asked if he felt the same way I did. He did. That was the first time post COVID I spoke out loud that I felt we had lost all sense of up and down and right and wrong during that time. It was sobering to draw the parallels between radiation isolation of seven days (which can feel so dehumanizing!) which can be difficult, but we did it for years during COVID! So.much.trauma.
Thanks for writing this post. It gave me a place to continue to process my feelings about, “that time we ALL went bat-shit crazy”! 😂❤️🙏🏻
Thanks for this CarrieLynn, this is such a potent description of exactly what I'm thinking about. We were all deeply affected in a myriad of different ways. Where are the places to talk about and make sense of this? Thank you for sharing your experiences here.
My mom is in super seeker mode- all she listens to is podcasts about covid, conspiracies, and things that confirm her theories that the world is falling apart and ending. I've had to put up serious barriers and boundaries around that and it's hard to not witness her, support her or even allow her voice to be heard but I have to protect myself first.
Yes, I hear these stories a lot and understand the need to protect yourself. One of the sad things for me is how polarised we all became on this subject. I'm one of those people who tends to look for the kernel of truth in everyone's position. The country where I live (New Zealand) became so horribly divided over this, I think that will take a long time to heal both on the level of individual relationships and more globally in our communities.
I think about this a lot. How much we all just ‘moved on’ without collectively (and in many cases, individually) processing the shared trauma we experienced. I see a lot more anger just under the surface now, including in myself.
The increase in anxiety and depression probably has a lot contributing factors, but one is likely the nature of the disease itself. It’s now considered a vascular disease that has dire consequences on the brain (instead of a respiratory disease).
For me personally the trauma, if I were to call it that, came from a profound disappointment in close friends who didn’t take it seriously. I would say trust was broken in those relationships, because I saw a side to those people which highlighted their inability to sacrifice anything for the greater good.
Also a disappointment with humanity itself for being so stupid. But as a climate and environmental policy advisor, my disappointment in humans isn’t new.
Not long after life started to return to something approaching "normal" after Covid, my mother was diagnosed with cancer that was eventually terminal, as we knew it would be. Her treatment was very much marked by the effects of covid, with constant testing needed before we visited her, masks needed for all hospital appointments, the terror when she got covid despite all precautions, and delays to her treatment because of overburdened hospitals.
All the trauma I might have been able to start resolving after covid got locked away in my head as I dealt with my pre-bereavement grief, and supported her through her illness.
My current mental health crisis is, in no small part I'm sure, the result of the culmination of all the traumas I experienced in so few years.
Yes, this makes so much sense, and I think is true for many. Life didn't stop during those years, and traumas compounded on top of traumas. I hope you can find some space and support to heal what you've been through Esther ❤
This is such a great post Vicki, and definitely needs to be a discussion. Over here in the U.K. it really came home to me in 2016 how some governments lie, and the media that supports them, and how together they manage to create a level of stress and confusion in the collective psyche, it gives them a space in which to do whatever they like. This was the brexit referendum year. I watched actual lies being spoken (I did my own research on EU sites and saw that information was being taken completely out of context), and people believed this. That set a standard that Boris then went on to both exploit and continue, and this led into the Covid years. People have been stressed, manipulated, lied to, set against each other, confused, and stressed some more. And, unfortunately it continues. So, thank you for bringing this into conversation. I have been thinking that I need to do this along with my warm word letters, but I haven’t worked out how to to this yet 🙏🏽🌻
Thanks for sharing your experiences Lucy. Yes, so many different layers to this, it's going to take a long time to unravel and process and heal (and is ongoing in so many ways). I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts if you decide to write about it
This is such an important topic that we need to keep in mind and talk about with people. The whole world experienced trauma, whether that was written with a small 't' or a big 'T' for others. And we see the aftermath of that everywhere - from country economy to the mental and physical impact it had, and is still having, on every single individual - child or adult. In my practice, I see many birth trauma survivors who had their babies in 2019 and 2020.
Thanks for your comment Aleks. It's interesting that it seems to be a subject many are reluctant to talk about (and this post got a lot less shares than previous ones!) I'm glad some of us are trying to keep it alive..
Thank you for writing this, I live in Asia where there was a variety of restrictions in place for the best part of three years. It is still something that I don’t feel comfortable talking about even with close family and friends, and I’m really sure why. You’ve given me food for thought on this!
Thanks Sarah, yes I notice a hesitance from many to go there and talk about this subject. Which leaves everyone further isolated with their experiences..
Interesting thought that because we all experienced this Covid trauma together that we may minimize its impact…will reflect on this more. It makes a lot of sense. Thank you 🩵
Perhaps it's too soon? The consequences of covid infections are still unpredictable - in the UK we have several waves a year with new variants and new cases of long covid. I wonder if people are still reeling and just tryi g to find their feet again in this new situation. And/or maybe moving on and re-establishing routines etc is part of understanding and processing what has changed. Add to that the many different experiences and perspectives which make it very difficult to discuss - and the fact that it was the main focus for many for so long - perhaps it make sense that the focus has now shifted for many - particularly for those that no longer feel directly affected - perhaps that is part of the healing process....
Thank you for writing about this, Vicki.
After the past four years, my view of the world, governments, and others will never be the same. I support everyone’s choice for their own bodies, but my own choice was to not receive the injections. The censorship, brutal dehumanizing, traumatic collective shaming, and loss of protections and freedoms is...a lot. I’m a queer person and, prior to 2020, called myself “liberal.” That era and a certain innocence is over.
What’s currently happening in Gaza—and how no one with the power to stop it is doing so—takes this to a whole other level. I don’t trust the system, its narrative, or the mainstream media anymore. I also don’t trust that everyday people - acting out of fear - will do the kind, ethical thing towards others. Many will instead focus on saving themselves and preserving their comfort and the system that privileges them.
I truly believe in the goodness of people’s hearts. I am truly heartbroken at how many are choosing fear and comfort over love and what matters. I don’t know that I’ll recover from this. I also don’t think it’s over. (And I realize that even writing this carries risks and consequences.)
Thanks for sharing your experiences Dana. Trauma seems to breed more trauma. What's happening in Gaza seems, to my mind, very much a reenactment of unprocessed WWII trauma. This does not seem to be part of the conversation however. And yes, I think many are left feeling their trust in the world and in authority figures deeply wounded in the wake of recent years. I'm sorry to hear you've been so deeply impacted.
I'm an ER doc, so I had some pandemic trauma. I didn't lose any loved ones, but lost a lot of friendship. This sweeping under the rug you speak of is a big reason that I'm taking a leave of absence and very likely leaving the profession. I can't sweep it under the rug and carry on the cognitive and emotional dissonance is too much.
Thanks for sharing your experiences Amy, and sorry to hear it's driving you to leave your profession. The fall out is far-reaching in so many ways. Very sad.
I actually wrote about COVID trauma myself yesterday https://open.substack.com/pub/thenettlewitchmd/p/erasing-words-to-find-the-truth?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=3mq65
Thanks for this, I look forward to reading it
I just read this - very powerful - it's pretty unimaginable to think what it must have been like - and I can see how it must be intolerable to be expected to 'sweep it under the rug' - wishing you whatever you need to heal from this.
Thank you! Hopefully I can figure out what I need soon :)
Thank you for writing this Vicki. For me, the biggest trauma of those years was the ongoing struggle to get doctors to take me seriously about Long Covid. I ended up having to turn to alternative medicine and it opened my eyes to a whole different narrative. I have lost a great deal of faith in what we are told is good for us. Mostly because when I became sick I was told it was all in my mind. Classic gaslighting!
Thanks for sharing your experience Ali. I have heard this story from quite a few people. Seems medical science is finally starting to catch up with this (slowly). I hope you're finding a pathway back towards healing
I hear you - and the realisation that people with ME/CFS have been suffering with very little medical help for so long :-(
Exactly - and I'm ashamed to say that I had no clue about how 'real' post viral chronic illness is until I was in the same boat.
Me too - the one silver lining is that long covid is raising awareness of this and leading to more research into the biological processes at play...
It's not in the past for many with long covid - particularly for those who have become more unwell with reinfection and live in countries with no public health measures https://www.theguardian.com/world/2024/mar/15/long-covid-symptoms-cdc?fbclid=IwAR3rASgAQFyYHd0Qe3Cv9_QPkdpnokbVK-LSVwenrwsTuyVOwcJ9UEQSAME
Yes, that is so true. Thanks for adding that point.
Also not the past for those who are immune compromised.
Yes sadly - I hope that we eventually move towards improved public health measures with a focus on clean air/filtration etc.
I am a hospice caregiver. I love my work. However, during COVID I felt so many conflicting emotions and had to daily externalize my thought processes and spiritual truth to stay sane. I look back and think “we lost our damn minds!” Mostly, was the blur of boundaries between my work and personal life. The continual barrage of fear, specifically the fear of being “careless” in my personal life might mean infecting an already suffering hospice patient. It was such a mind and heart numbing time for us!! Like, for real. Day drinking was real y’all! For the very first time in a while I had a moment of clarity with regard to that time. I was discussing a radiation isolation recap with my current patient’s husband. We were talking about what worked and what could work better for the next three treatments his wife will undergo. Mid sentence, the memory of the “feeling” of Covid time isolation came in like a wave washing over me. I looked the husband in the eye and asked if he felt the same way I did. He did. That was the first time post COVID I spoke out loud that I felt we had lost all sense of up and down and right and wrong during that time. It was sobering to draw the parallels between radiation isolation of seven days (which can feel so dehumanizing!) which can be difficult, but we did it for years during COVID! So.much.trauma.
Thanks for writing this post. It gave me a place to continue to process my feelings about, “that time we ALL went bat-shit crazy”! 😂❤️🙏🏻
Thanks for this CarrieLynn, this is such a potent description of exactly what I'm thinking about. We were all deeply affected in a myriad of different ways. Where are the places to talk about and make sense of this? Thank you for sharing your experiences here.
Covid lives on for me because my husband of 63 years died from it - three years ago.
Janice, I'm so sorry to hear that. Sending love ❤️
Thank you! It's not the plan I had in mind, that's for sure.
My mom is in super seeker mode- all she listens to is podcasts about covid, conspiracies, and things that confirm her theories that the world is falling apart and ending. I've had to put up serious barriers and boundaries around that and it's hard to not witness her, support her or even allow her voice to be heard but I have to protect myself first.
Yes, I hear these stories a lot and understand the need to protect yourself. One of the sad things for me is how polarised we all became on this subject. I'm one of those people who tends to look for the kernel of truth in everyone's position. The country where I live (New Zealand) became so horribly divided over this, I think that will take a long time to heal both on the level of individual relationships and more globally in our communities.
I think about this a lot. How much we all just ‘moved on’ without collectively (and in many cases, individually) processing the shared trauma we experienced. I see a lot more anger just under the surface now, including in myself.
That's interesting to hear Emma. I think we need to start having this conversation more widely
The increase in anxiety and depression probably has a lot contributing factors, but one is likely the nature of the disease itself. It’s now considered a vascular disease that has dire consequences on the brain (instead of a respiratory disease).
For me personally the trauma, if I were to call it that, came from a profound disappointment in close friends who didn’t take it seriously. I would say trust was broken in those relationships, because I saw a side to those people which highlighted their inability to sacrifice anything for the greater good.
Also a disappointment with humanity itself for being so stupid. But as a climate and environmental policy advisor, my disappointment in humans isn’t new.
Thanks for sharing your experiences Hamersley, and yes, there were so many different facets of why this was hard for each of us.
This research is interesting. How the disease impacts us will add to the trauma, even if most people are unaware of what its done/doing to them with each infection. https://theconversation.com/mounting-research-shows-that-covid-19-leaves-its-mark-on-the-brain-including-with-significant-drops-in-iq-scores-224216
Not long after life started to return to something approaching "normal" after Covid, my mother was diagnosed with cancer that was eventually terminal, as we knew it would be. Her treatment was very much marked by the effects of covid, with constant testing needed before we visited her, masks needed for all hospital appointments, the terror when she got covid despite all precautions, and delays to her treatment because of overburdened hospitals.
All the trauma I might have been able to start resolving after covid got locked away in my head as I dealt with my pre-bereavement grief, and supported her through her illness.
My current mental health crisis is, in no small part I'm sure, the result of the culmination of all the traumas I experienced in so few years.
Yes, this makes so much sense, and I think is true for many. Life didn't stop during those years, and traumas compounded on top of traumas. I hope you can find some space and support to heal what you've been through Esther ❤
This is such a great post Vicki, and definitely needs to be a discussion. Over here in the U.K. it really came home to me in 2016 how some governments lie, and the media that supports them, and how together they manage to create a level of stress and confusion in the collective psyche, it gives them a space in which to do whatever they like. This was the brexit referendum year. I watched actual lies being spoken (I did my own research on EU sites and saw that information was being taken completely out of context), and people believed this. That set a standard that Boris then went on to both exploit and continue, and this led into the Covid years. People have been stressed, manipulated, lied to, set against each other, confused, and stressed some more. And, unfortunately it continues. So, thank you for bringing this into conversation. I have been thinking that I need to do this along with my warm word letters, but I haven’t worked out how to to this yet 🙏🏽🌻
Thanks for sharing your experiences Lucy. Yes, so many different layers to this, it's going to take a long time to unravel and process and heal (and is ongoing in so many ways). I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts if you decide to write about it
This is such an important topic that we need to keep in mind and talk about with people. The whole world experienced trauma, whether that was written with a small 't' or a big 'T' for others. And we see the aftermath of that everywhere - from country economy to the mental and physical impact it had, and is still having, on every single individual - child or adult. In my practice, I see many birth trauma survivors who had their babies in 2019 and 2020.
Thanks for your comment Aleks. It's interesting that it seems to be a subject many are reluctant to talk about (and this post got a lot less shares than previous ones!) I'm glad some of us are trying to keep it alive..
Thank you for writing this, I live in Asia where there was a variety of restrictions in place for the best part of three years. It is still something that I don’t feel comfortable talking about even with close family and friends, and I’m really sure why. You’ve given me food for thought on this!
Thanks Sarah, yes I notice a hesitance from many to go there and talk about this subject. Which leaves everyone further isolated with their experiences..
Interesting thought that because we all experienced this Covid trauma together that we may minimize its impact…will reflect on this more. It makes a lot of sense. Thank you 🩵
Yes. I've been curious why there's so little conversation on the aftermath of those years...
Perhaps it's too soon? The consequences of covid infections are still unpredictable - in the UK we have several waves a year with new variants and new cases of long covid. I wonder if people are still reeling and just tryi g to find their feet again in this new situation. And/or maybe moving on and re-establishing routines etc is part of understanding and processing what has changed. Add to that the many different experiences and perspectives which make it very difficult to discuss - and the fact that it was the main focus for many for so long - perhaps it make sense that the focus has now shifted for many - particularly for those that no longer feel directly affected - perhaps that is part of the healing process....